Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hopeless Romantic

Hello Friends...

Before you read this post, I really want you to do something. Either pull up YouTube or iTunes and listen to the song Never Let Me Down by Kanye West. Please do it. I want you to listen to that song while you read this. The last rap on that song is the best rap I have ever heard and will be till the day I die. His voice. His words. His expressions. I believe are so strong that it really should touch you. And if it doesn't, listen to it again. Trust me...It will.... The rap starts around 2:48 in the song. Just listen to it. Please.

Am I one? I might be. I fall quickly. I fall for people very quickly. And when I fall, I fall quickly. I can't explain it. I believe that I am suppose to be with someone. And I believe that there is someone out there for me. One who fits me. Who fits my personality. My sense of humor. My outgoingness. She is friendly. Kind. Beautiful. Willing. Spontaneous. Open. She is perfect. And if and when I meet her, I am going to fall so hard, so fast. I can only hope that that happens very very soon. Maybe it's already happened? Maybe.

I have a few dreams. A dream of a girl treating me like a king. Me coming home and there she is waiting for me. Lingerie. Naked. Fully clothed. Doesn't matter. I have a preference. But it doesn't matter. Because I know that she will be there waiting for me. She is waiting. Excited to see me. So excited to see me walk in that door that she drops everything to spend time with me. I want her to do things for me. Meaningful things. Things that mean so much to me. Without me even asking. I am such an emotional person. And one thing I would love the most is to share my emotions with. I want to things for her that just make her fall. Make her weak. Make her want me even more. I want to do that for her. Smell good. Look good. Do things for her. Can I do that? I personally think, no I can't. I am not the most attractive guy in the world. But I sure as hell try. And I can only hope she feels and knows that I have tried everything I can for her.

A few posts ago, I was talking about seeing the Dreamgirl dance to the song The Wind by Cat Stevens. I want a girl who can do that. Who is willing to do that. Because it means something to me. It would mean alot to me.

Someone has told me that I need to live in reality. But why? Why can't I live in fantasy? The fantasies, dreams, thoughts, and hopes make me so happy. I don't wanna live in reality. I can't handle reality. I am not strong enough.

Do I need to get out of fantasy and live in reality? Is it reality that someone for me doesn't exist? Is it reality that I can't have Dreamgirl dance for me and me only? Maybe. Probably. Well then I'm going back to fantasy.

"If I'm on the highest cliff of the highest riff and you slipped of the side and clinched on to your life into my grip. I would never. Ever. Let you down."

Hope I touched you.


Monday, December 27, 2010

Power of Music

Andrew WK - Party Hard

Chick singer from Skillet



Marshall Law, Hworang



P.S. Thanks Creampuff!!!!


Hello friends...

I have concluded something. I really am not a good person. I am just not. It's ok though. Really. I can accept it. How you ask? Well I really don't know. But I can. I think terrible things. I have done terrible things. I have had terrible things done upon me.

Wait. I have Creampuff to talk to.


Marshall Law and Mike Portnoy....AWESOME!!!


New Years Resolution Revolution!

 Hello Friends....

I am going to make this short and sweet...

What do you think I should do for a New Years Resolution? Please. I have 5 followers. I expect atleast 5 comments telling me what you think I should do for a resolution. I also know that other people who aren't "following" my blog read this so please, get some sort of account and please leave a comment. PLEASE! Dreamgirl? Please!? DO IT!!!





Thursday, December 23, 2010

Blast from the past (v.2)

Hello friends....

I guess I am gonna start my story this way. I forgot to bring my 2nd bottle of anti deps home and unfortunately I am not sure whether or not I have enough to last me the entire break so I have to work with what I have and have been taking just a pill (100 mg.) when I'm suppose to be taking 150 mg. Lately my mood swings have been getting worse lately because I haven't been taking my perscribed doses. So tonight I was just in my basement. Hanging out. I started to have an anxiety attack. I couldn't focus and I was panicking. It was really hard. Well I texted the Dreamgirl to see if I could get some help. Welp. She went out. Which doesn't help me at all. She wasn't helping me. Wasn't responding. Just telling me. I don't have to panic. For some reason I told her that I couldn't do it anymore. And all she said was she doesn't know what to say. To me that feels like she isn't going to fight to keep me. So what do I do? Well that wasn't helping. So I texted another girl to try and get some help. Well she was helping me a little bit but she was in bed so in the long run she just wasn't much help.

So I texted one of my buddies and he was with some friends at the Irish Democrat just hanging out with some people. So I went over there to just get my mind off of things.

While I was there I saw a guy that I literally have known all my life. This guy was one of my best friends growing up. But he was a cool kid. He left to be part of the cool clique. Well anyways I saw him tonight and him and I started talking. He has been dating a girl that I have known since high school for about 5 and a half years. Both of them are going to Mt. Mercy. They have a house together. But this guy loves to drink, party, smoke, all that sorts of shit. He goes out. She doesn't. But no matter what he does or where he goes, she is always there when he gets home. It's incredible. This girl puts up with alot of shit and sticks with him no matter what. Thats what I want. A girl that will be there when I get home. A girl that wants to come out with me and go home with me. It really was surprising. This party guy has a pretty, kind, woman to go home to every night. He is a VERY VERY lucky man. It was good seeing him again. He was a great friend of mine when I was a kid.

Am I going to wake up alone tomorrow? Is she done with me? I guess who knows. I'm sure I'll be the one to text her tomorrow. (That's been the pattern)

Well bout time to pop a sleeping pill and pass out.

Ladies, be good to your boys. Boys, be good to your girls.

Night everybody.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

why me?

hello friends...
i have one question to ask....why me?

why everytime i go out everyone is like ok have fun but when the dreamgirl goes out i have panic attacks. why do i need to pop nyquil and a sleeping pill. why. am i not attrative. what is it. why must i be the one that suffers. why can the girl that i truely love be fine when i go out but when she goes out i freak out.

ok fine. i get it. im fat. unattractive. fine i get. ok



Sunday, December 19, 2010

Our Truth pt. 2

Hello Friends....

Well I just got done with a cig and I have "some thoughts"

1. All you girls who are BEAUTIFUL that have a personality of a FUCKING NAIL IN A BOARD I only have one thing to say.......FUCK YOU!!!!

2. I have THE BEST FRIENDS ever. I was looking at old pics of mine that just make me miss EVERYTHING about my past. A girl who truly loved me (before she cheated) and the best get togethers EVER! I will debate ANYONE! BRING IT!




Saturday, December 18, 2010

Our Truth

Hello Friends...

Well hasn't shit been eventful lately!? Man! Thursday night!? Wow. The Ripperger and the Cream Puff truly showing how to REALLY drink wine!!!! Preach to you both!!! You both ladies can hold your liquor!! I am very impressed. Both of you honestly. But Jenn! Gotta give props to Jenn cuz she has her hookups! Kelly!!!!! WORD!!!!

But I have to say something. This post is gonna be selfish. Ok I get it. I am cocky. I have a selfish personality. I get it. I understand. I believe that I have this "swagger" that I believe makes me! That's who I am! I believe that I am a VERY good guy. If you need a drink, a favor, or even a place to sleep, I am the one to give it to you!!!! I believe that I would be willing to do anything for anyone!!! Whether your a CHEATER or a LIAR! Maybe someone that doesnt have a place to crash! I believe that I am one of the kindest as far as something like that. I will scratch your back. Make sure you can get home safe. I would give you food. I will drive you. I don't care because I believe that I am the kind of guy who expects that in return!!!! Ok so I am cocky. Ok so I think I am a great guy. I believe I have great intentions. But I realize that I am not the most attractive guy. I realize that I don't look that great with a shirt off. I realize that I may be overweight. But you know what!? This semester I at one point thought about committing suicide. Something happened in my life that made me wanna take my own life! Things were so low that I literally wanted to kill myself. People in my life literally made me want to kill myself. But you know what!? I stuck through it! I lived through it! I made it!!!! I am still here! ALIVE!!! I thought "FUCK NO!!!" I made it through!!! And for that I wanna give myself a pat on the back!!!! (Ok sorry Cream Puff I am being cocky right now.) I understand that I am cocky. Go ahead. Attack me for it! Go ahead! But you know what? I believe I am a great guy! I believe that I am strong and am willing to take ANYONE on!!!!! I may lose but you know what!? I have that PASSION!!!! I do!!! If you knock me down I GET BACK UP!!!!!!! I am patting myself on the back for getting through this semester after everything that has happened to me!!! I MADE IT!! I AM STILL ALIVE!!!! I made it! This semester is over!!! I fought my demons!!! I fought my conscience!!! I WON!!! I am still alive!!! I am still 6 feet above ground!!! God put so many distractions and things that tested my heart and soul and I STILL MADE IT ALIVE!!!! You know how in my last post I gave away some awards? Well I have an award. Strongest person. ME!!!!!!!! Thats right ladies and gentlemen!!! I had cunts, liars, bitches, fags, and real fuckheads around me. AND I AM STILL STANDING!!!

Sorry to everyone who deserves to be in hell!!!! I AM STILL HERE!!! I SURVIVED!!!! I AM STILL STANDING!!!!

And that is EVERYONE's TRUTH!!!!



Sunday, December 12, 2010

End of the Semester Awards...

Hello Friends!
Wow been a very long time, but oh do I have a special treats for you ladies and gents. I am going to present this years 2010 Ends of the Semester Awards of the Year OF THE SEMESTER!!! I know, sit back down, take a deep breath, and lets start...

Best Quote...
Definitely going with "Life is what you make it!" I work with a gentlemen who told me that quote after I told him my situation. He was right. Life IS what you make it. It is SO simple! That was definitely a turning point in my life...

Best Music...
+44 and Blink 182 DEFINITELY could win this because I can spend countless number of hours looking up awesome videos on YouTube but this award is gonna go to the man, Armin van Buuren. I have found that Armin works wonders ladies and gentlemen. That wonder you ask? Trance. Look it up n00bs!!!

Best Moment...
This one is a no brainer. Visiting the Edward Jones Dome to not only watch the Rams kick ass against the Carolina Panthers and see one of my heros in Sam Bradford but seeing Steven Jackson and Big Mike Hoomanawanui. (Yes ladies and gents...that is a real name; pronounced UH OH MANA WANEWEE...Bad ass? I know right!?) but also getting to witness the retirement of Issac Bruce's jersey. That whole experience will definitely be something I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life.

Worst Moment...
This one has to go to when I found out that I got cheated and lied to. Not a fun thing to have your heart broken in that fashion. To the people who have cheated, shame on you. To the people who have been cheated on, I'm sorry. You WILL get through it.

Best Decision...
I could say going to see a counselor and starting up Anti-Deps was my best decision. And it was. It was a great idea. Until I decided to visit Notre Dame on a Thursday. Wow. Just wow. Trance. Drinking. And more drinking. Lots of drunken fun. Very fun place to visit. Club Fever? Incredible! In the words of a very wise man named Zach McFall said, "Spontaneity can be a good thing!" And in this case, it was the BEST thing!

Worst Decision...
 Has to be getting football tickets. The first game, I had a very depressing, hard, heart breaking experience that will forever tarnish ISU football and from that point on I went to a few games and stayed home for the rest. Bad idea, even worse memory.

MVF (Most Valuable Friend(s))...
Many many many candidates. Including my family, and Robbie. But this has to go to Zach and Neske. My boys! Without them there would be much less laughter and fun.

Most Entertaining Moment...
Once again this could go to the Rams game, or the trip to ND, and even trips to Cafe B with the HRI Familia! But I am gonna give this to the "Shit Show in St. Paul." Man, good friends, even better memories. Like $146 bar tab in less than an hour. Walking around downtown and oh yeah..."Damn that's a great dog!" Very very VERY entertaining weekend!

There you have it ladies and gents. Those are my awards. I hope you have enjoyed it and I encourage all you guys to give away these same awards cuz they are SO much fun to read!

I'm Out....take 'um to church!


P.S. In case you read this Julianne, this weekend I have realized that whipped cream from a can is very very great. But did you know that they make alcohol infused whipped cream? Amazing! HIGHLY recommend it!!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Catch Up

Hello Friends....

Wow. I have been very late in writing my blogs. Wow. I haven't written one in atleast a week and a half or so. That's crazy. Julianne has been writing. Jennifer has been writing. McFall has been behind but he writes the best blogs so he gets a "Get out of jail for free" card.

It's been very very nice to be at home. Lots and lots of laundry to do!!! Holy shit! Crazy.

Had a very very good turkey day. Dad smoked our turkey and it was beyond delicious. Words can't begin to describe how flavorful it was. Props to the Pops. Ha props to the pops. Thats funny. But I got to see my Gram Gram which means alot to me. It just sort of makes me sad every time I see her because Pella has a depressing feeling to me. Just so little and dead. And seeing her knowing she is there by herself just makes me sad. She really isn't doing all that well. She is confused. Life is just hard to her right now and it just kills me inside. I have never met a sweeter, kinder lady and I can gurantee my life I never will...

I love you Gram Gram

Fuck I had a huge feeling to blog and now I don't have that feeling anymore. I am sitting in my pitch black
bedroom. Listening to music. Right now? Beatles. Awesome. Yesterday. Awesome song. Very touching.

Things between the dreamgirl and I have been great. It feels great. It feels right. After things that have thrown me into the lowest of lows have happened and yet I still am connected to her. I can't stop.

Has anyone ever heard the song "The Wind" by Cat Stevens? It was in various movies but the movie I had in mind was "Almost Famous." Have you seen that movie? By FAAAAAR and away one of the greatest movies ever. Anyways. In the movie this song plays and it is a scene of Kate Hudson just dancing around on a floor that had a concert on it. It is just a very touching scene. This song is such a great song. So smooth. So calming. If I could do anything right now I would sit in an auditorium by myself and watch the Dreamgirl dance to this. I would do anything right now to make that happen. Her dancing really does touch me. I am so proud to watch her dance. Man I have too many dreams...

Dreams can come true though....


Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Hello friends,

It's a very very gloomy day out today. It is really affecting me. Last night (or I should say this morning) I had to work. I didn't pull the covers over me until around 4ish. When I got home at 3am I asked myself "Self....should you take a sleeping pill?.." I thought, nah, your good son. Everything has been looking up. It really has. I have been happy. I am happy. I thought a sleeping pill isn't necessary. But I had a bad dream. A dream that when I woke up really messed me up. It put me in a mood where I become sad and low. Why is my body trying to tell me that she doesn't actually love me? Why is my body trying to fight my happiness and put me in a sad depressing mood where I feel like today is just gonna be a bad day? I just wish I could stop. Today I woke up at 1:30pm and I just feel shitty. Today I have no class. I have a day off. But why can't I enjoy it? Why do I have to feel gloomy because of a dream that I had? Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I feel like I am alone?

Is someone trying to tell me that I am suppose to be alone? Am I suppose to live by myself? Are my friends gone? Is my dreamgirl gone? Is she gone? I love her so much. She makes me so happy. She makes life feel so right and so happy. I love her so much. But is she gone? Are these dreams trying to tell me something? At work I knew she was out. But I didn't panic once. I was able to focus on work and not worry about what she was doing or who she was with. That is big for me. Good job big man. You're good dude. Are all my friends here? Is Weems here? Is Robbie here? Is the HRI gang here? Or am I just sitting on the balcony having a cig by myself? I don't wanna be alone. I wanna be with her. She makes me happy. I wanna make her happy.

What is going on?

Am I a good man? Am I worth living for? Do people like me? Am I just another person? I wanna be a part of someone's life. Or am I just suppose to do this on my own?

If she reads this post is she gonna leave me? Why? Why would she leave me? I am only human. I have emotions. Alot of them. I don't want her to leave me. I love her very much. I hope I make her happy. I hope she loves me. I think she does. I hope.

Maybe I just need to take my 150 milligrams of my happy pills...


Monday, November 15, 2010

Fat Mexicans, Wizard Staffs, and South Bend! OH MY!!!

Hello friends

Wow. Just wow. South Bend for a 3 day weekend. Wow. Nucking Futs. Went to Notre Dame on Thursday night and came home Sunday night. Very impressive. Campus is beautiful. People are....well definitely not what I'm use to but I met/saw some pretty kick ass people up there. Peebs, Julia, Slaney, Kray, OD, Nick, and many others. They can show ya a good time. Real nice people who just wanna have some fun. Lots of drinking. Lots of partying. And a shit ton of hangovers. Went to the game on Saturday. Did some wicked tailgating and discovered a great drinking project in Wizard Staffs. Thats right. Wizard Staffs. Take your empty beer and duct a new beer on top of it and keep going till you need to use it as a walking stick. Props to Kray for rockin a staff that was ATLEAST 17 deep. Just insane.

Went and saw Gabriel Igluesias in Des Moines Sunday night. I knew going in that that show was gonna be great but what I watched was 100x more than what I thought it was gonna be. Gabriel had a bunch of friends do some quick stand up before him. They were hilarious. But Gabriel is the man. He knows how to entertain a crowd! He stayed onstage for 2 hours over the alotted time slot!!!! He asked the audience if we wanted him to keep going and we all yelled and cheered YES! So he did! For 2 EXTRA hours! He is phenomenal live!

Saw the Dreamgirl tonight. God. That was....well words can not describe what it was. It was great seeing her.

Did she miss me....oh BOY! Did she miss me....

Man did I miss her....

Holla atch yo boi!


Sunday, November 7, 2010



A cig, good music, and a great night feels just as good as 150 mg of Sertralyne...


Saturday, November 6, 2010


Sigh hello friends.

Elena. I am sorry. I truly am. One minute I'm fine, the next, I'm not.

All I can do, all I can say.




Hahahahahahahahaha well here ladies and gentlemen.

Lets lay this out real quick...
First of all. Elena Riley. Yes I am talking to you. Fuck off. Don't get anywhere near me. Stay the fuck away from me. Do NOT text me. Do NOT email me. Please for my own sake and sanity GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!! I just can't fucking do it anymore. I write you. Text you. Do all that I can to get a hold of you. And what do you do? Email once in a while, bait me in, then torture me more. I can't fucking do it anymore. I just can't. It's not fucking worth it at all! I need to be around people who actually CARE for me! They WANT to be around me. They want to SEE me! They DO NOT LIE to me!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Why am I going to chase someone who won't chase me back? BAHAHAHAHA! It's not fucking worth it! In anyway shape or form!!!

I hope that you find all sorts of fucking guys and make out with them, jerk them off, fuck 'um, I don't fucking know. But you have done all of those with guys that you  either met on the first night AND/OR with people I have known since fucking ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!! Seriously!? Really!? Your gonna be that kind of person!?

You are a fucking two faced ass hole. You tell me how much you care and love for me yet you go and do that? You know what, take Jeff, Colby, Fellipi, Matt, whoever the fuck you want and do whatever the fuck you want to them. DO IT! Because you would do something like that.

You fucking lie, hurt, torture, and crush people for your own fucking sake!!! I want NOTHING to do with anyone like that. You are a fucking liar. I want nothing to do with it.

Go ahead and show this to all your friends. Try and make me the bad person. When in reality you are the heartless individual who can CHEAT AND LIE to someone after a 5 year relationship. Your the liar. Your the one who fucked up. Go ahead and try and make it look like I'm the wrong one. The bad person. Go ahead. It's something you would do anyways.

Have fun fucking anybody and lying about it to me.



It's your fucking NIGHTMARE!!!!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Blast from the past...

Hello friends...
Why chase something that doesn't want you? Why chase someone who doesn't wanna be chased? Why chase someone....

Well idk...

Just lost interest in blogging...

Hope your fucking night goes great....


Thursday, November 4, 2010


First of all I'm just gonna say it. McFall is the man. He is. He understands life. He get's it. He is someone who is willing to help anybody when they need it. He's a good dude who just wants to have a good time with good people. Good guy. Good guy.

I wanna tell a little story. Tonight I went out with McFall and some other people. (Gotta visit that Long Island...) Tonight I met a girl. Her name? Meaghan. Yes thats how you spell it. M E A G H A N. Its those Irish roots! Well anyways tonight we were chatting away. I struck up a conversation and got to know her. That's all that I did. I chatted with her while McFall did his own thang! Well anyways. She just got up and left. She just left. Hey I gotta go. Cya. And left. Later that night the gang decided to head over to Sips to start cuttin' some rugs. Guess who I saw!!!! Thats right! Those ol' IRISH EYES! The look on her face was fucking priceless. PRICELESS!!! She knew she just got caught. Later on I was chillin at Sips. Cuttin rugs. Hangin out with good people! So when I went home I realized that the Brickstone Place. The apartments across the streets from my building had their fire alarm going off. All these people in sweats and blankets are freezing to death because some drunken idiot pulled the fire alarm. Well as I walked by guess who I say!!!! THATS RIGHT!!! THOSE IRISH EYES!!!! She looked fucking miserable!!! It was just fucking hilarious! The look she gave me when she realized who I was. I would do anything just to see that one more time. Well anyways that just made me laugh. I guess here is my point. In this world there are girls who are fucking terrible. Worthless. Heartless. Disgusting people. Girls who are selfish, heartless, and could give a fuck about anybody BUT herself. There are girls who are liars. Not loyal. CHEATERS! Girls who don't care about other peoples emotions and feelings. Girls who will do what they want no matter what. CHEATERS! LIARS! BACKSTABBERS! Well ladies and gentlemen I believe that there is a certain level of KARMA! KARMA!!!! Karma does fucking exist in this world. If you LIE! CHEAT! HURT people. You better fucking believe that KARMA will be coming to get you! WATCH OUT!!!! I wish this fucking world could get rid of those girls. They do nothing but lie, cheat, and hurt people who try and do nothing but the best. Those people need to disappear. They need to leave. They have no business being around people who mean nothing but the best. Liars. CHEATERS! People who hurt other people need to just get the fuck out of here. They need to be gone. Guys who cheat on women and WOMEN who CHEAT on MEN!!! They all need to fucking get out of here and go to their own fucking place where all those heartless, gutless people can be together. FUCK YOU!

I just tell you to text me just a little more. I talk to you. I send you texts. I write you messages. What do you do? NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!! Your gonna try? Your gonna try!? Your HARDEST!? This is your hardest!? Are you fucking kidding me!? You don't give a fuck! You just don't! You don't fucking love me. You DO NOT wanna see me. You miss me? Fine. You DO NOT wanna see me. I am just gonna quit. I hate being in this pain to just get nothing in return. What am I to do? Weep? Cry? What? Why can't I get something back that I deserve!? Why? I am just trying to be the best person I can be. Why can't you just fucking take 10 fucking minutes of your time!? Just write me back!! Its not that hard!! You fucking know it!

Watch out mother fuckers! KARMA will get you!!!


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

To whoever the fuck this concerns...

Ok i get it. I fucking get it. Today is not my day. Today is not my fucking day. I fucking get it. I fucking knew the fucking minute I got up I knew it wasn't goin to be my fucking day.

I don't fucking care if im getting am vibe from most of my friends that makes me feel that they don't fucking want me around. I don't fucking care if I feel like my closest fucking friends are actng like I'm worthless and dont want me around. I don't fucking care that my closest friends are being fucking douches to me. I don't care that the once love of my fucking life betrays me and fucks and hooks up with other fucking guys while she is with or without me. I don't care that the person I dedicated my fucking life to and gave everything I fucking had to goes and commits one of the biggest fucking acts of betrayal and smashes
Me fucking heart beyond repair! She goes And fucking jerks the fuck out of someone thT I have fuckin known since third grade. Fucks a dude the first fucking night she meets him. I don't fucking care that my friends and loved ones aren't fucking giving a fuck about anything! I don't fucking care!!! I just don't fucking know why it fucking has to be me! I have A broken fucking heart a fucked up life. I'm taking pills, smoking, and talking to a counselor and yet this still fucking happens to me!!! Why?! Why the fuck does this have to happen to me! I am trying to be the best fucking person I can fucking be. I'm trying my hardest to find out who the fuck I am!!!

I still fucking text her! I still wanna talk to her! But she is the one who deserves this! Why is this happening to me?! WHY!!?? Im gonna wanna write her an email. And I won't fucking hear back from her till she is fucking gone!!! Why the fuck me?!

Whhy the fuck do my friends treat me like shut and the girl I love commits the biggest dishonorable act but I'm the one getting fucked?! I'm just trying to fucking be me!!!!

I can't fucking to this anymore. The help. The pills. Fuck
It!!! I can't do it!

Why the fuck meeeee?!?!

Fuck you!!!!!

Sunday, October 31, 2010


This time I'm gonna fucking lay it down. I'm going to splash this shit. I'm gonna fucking make up for that bull shit weak showing amateur hour shit from a couple days ago...

Today I experienced something that I will remember for the rest of my entire fucking life. A memory that I will continue to remember like it was yesterday. Today I did something that truely meant "the world and more" to me. Today I went to a St. Louis Rams game. Today I did something that I told myself I was going to do before I die. Today I did something where nothing in this life mattered but this game. Today I was in the 3rd row of the Edward Jones Dome which is a mind blowing building and watched a team that I have been an avid fan of since I was in 5th grade. Not only did I watch the football team that I would die for today, I also got to see a special ceremony honoring one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history. I saw him in person today. I saw Issac Bruce in person get his jersey number retired. That almost made me broke down. I watched this man play as I grew up. From elementary school to high school he was the #1 receiver for my team. To see him in person. Be 100 feet away from. Just mind blowing. Lately I have talked about experiencing things in life. And this experience today is something I will never forget or trade anything for. I sat in my seat and looked at the clock tick down minute by minute. Quarter by quarter. I remember telling myself "man this game is going too fast." I did not want this game to end. I was so happy. So content. I didn't care about anything else in life. What an incredible feeling. Thank you mom. Thank you dad. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

But as I lay here and explain how remarkable this event was, I think to myself. I wish I had someone other than family be there with me. I wanted to experience this with a loved one that meant everything to me (other than family). But she left me so I couldn't have that happen.

I got an email today. She showed emotion. She truly showed emotion. I could feel what she was thinking. It hit me. It really did. I asked for an email with feeling and thats what I got. But I just have to tell myself....

She's gone. She's not yours anymore....

Thanks Armin...
J13 wait no....

Tonight its J80

Friday, October 29, 2010


Just watched Stomp. Wow. Just wow. Some people are real genius...

You need to send me an email.

Yes you

You know who I'm talking to.

Send me an email

I gave you this URL to show my feelings.

I want your feelings back.



Wow crazy crazy night with the HRI crew last night. Starting to really enjoy that group. Cafe B to Sips to rip of that dance floor? Fuck yeah! McFall is the man and Neske is the shiznit! Oh and the ladies of HRI are great as well. Nice people. Lookin to have a good time. Gotta love that. I have visited the long island twice now and both times.....I lost those battles.

Came home today. Were heading to St. Louis tomorrow. Can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this weekend. I am going to experience something that means very very much to me. I could give a flying fuck about Ames, homecoming, the football game, halloween etc. What I am going to do this weekend trumps just about everything...

The drive home was relaxing. (boring but relaxing). As I was driving I was listening to my favorite Widespread Panic CD. Its a great album with some great tracks. But driving and listening to WP made me thing of somethings. Things about my past. My recent past. Driving by my old house on Hayward. Makes me miss last year. I enjoyed last year. Alot. Then it made me realize. I am a kind of person that cherishes memories. Great memories. I dwell on them. I think about them. But these memories are tarnished now unfortunately. There is a track on the WP album that reminds me of her. Because when I heard that song, I had my heart broken. Not a good memory. It was hard. As I was thinking there were alot of things today that made me think of tarnished memories. Today I wore my Sam Bradford jersey. That jersey means alot to me. (If you know me you'll know why.) This jersey is a very prized possession to me. That jersey was part of a very important event in my life. An event that dealt with her. A very special, life changing event. And now to me this jersey has a tarnished memory to it. And it makes me upset because this jersey means so much to me. Today while I was driving home I sort of have a makeshift arm rest for myself. Its actually a bed frame that is layed out throughout my car. A bed frame that I purchased for her. Because she told me she couldn't live with me. So I went out and bought a bed frame cuz she wanted to. This bed frame makes me think of a memory. A memory that hurts me. Alot

You know what hurts? Everything that has involved her just makes me angry, sad, depressed, hurt and whole lot of other shitty emotions. If I see her, it instantly ruins my day. If I talk to her I just get angry. I have to erase her from my life. I hate it. She meant so much to me. I loved her so much. And she broke my heart. Our relationship is now tarnished.

This blog post blows...

I am just not in the writing mood. I was earlier. Shoulda blogged earlier.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Isn't it amazing what kind of magic music can do? It to me is truly incredible. It can change your mood within 3 or 4 minutes. All by lyrics and sounds. But not only can it change your mood, it take you into a state of pure freedom and release. I have recently been allowed into the world of Armin van Buuren. This man is gifted. This man has a gift and a talent that people rarely see these he is dutch. If anyone wants to see what its like be magically tranced please look him up. I recommend Mirage and Full Focus. Listening to this music puts you on a trip of relaxation. I saw her. I saw her for the first time in a very very long time. Walking to class I saw her. Before that I was listening to Reel Big Fish. I saw her and realized that was her. That was her. So what did I do? Unfortunately the only thing I could do.....waived and kept walking. Continued on with my life. I saw someone who I known and loved for 5 years of my life and the only thing I could do was waive. Someone who I have so many memories with, so many stories, so much love. All I could do is waive. After that I realized that I had to go on with my life. But Reel Big Fish just was not doing it for me anymore. So what did I put on? This Fire Burns by Killswitch Engage. Why? Because first of all the singers voice and screams just attack all that anger and frustration within you. But also because the song states that "even through the darkest days, this fire burns always." I am angry. Angry and her. Angry and life. I am just frustrated. Just....have.....nothing....

Women really really piss me off. I believe that I am extremely outgoing and very very spontaneous in life. After listening to some trance music I realized that I need to see a trance show. I wanna go to a trance bar. I wanna live this. But not just by myself. I wanna live that with someone. I wanna experience that with someone. A girl who would love to be tranced and experience the music just as much as I do. I can't wait till I find that girl who is just like me and will be willing to do anything spontaneous. Just live the life and the experience. Because I know, if we were surrounded by the magic that is trance music and dancing. Just letting it all go for the experience. Just loving life and living it to the fullest. God that would be incredible. And I hope that girl is out there. Cuz I wanna find her. Real bad.

This Light Between Us by Armin just incredible. So powerful. So strong.

This music just puts you in a state of mind that just seems like your free. That you have nothing to worry about. If the situation is right and the setting is right and the music is right, your mind can just escape mentally. Can just be free. Its awesome.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Man oh man. What a weekend. Decided I would come home for the weekend. Friday was a little crazy. Riding home with Weems, listening to Eminem, Armin van Buuren, and the Bloody Beat wow. Then that night went to IC and saw a bunch of people from highschool. Some really really good friends. Tonight went to an INCREDIBLE restaurant in Mt. Vernon called "The Lincoln Cafe" with my family, brother and his fiance, and her parents. Man what a crazy restaurant. They don't serve alcohol but you can bring your own. Hahaha my mom and my bro's fiance's mom downed like a bottle and a half of wine. Man that was awesome. I love my family and my family to be!

After that met up with Weems and went to the Red Lion which is a bar here in CR and met up with his parents and some of their friends. Man those are some fun people to drink with. No doubt about it. Then Weems and I went to Dublin City Pub which is another bar here. Man, I just don't know what to say about that place. I just can't explain it. Especially on a blog lol. But after that we went back to my place and had some smokes and smoked a Cohiba along with some beers on my porch and just chatted. Great great time.

Btw lets talk about a football club known as the Iowa State Cyclones. Pulling off an unforgettable upset against the #19 ranked team in the nation in Texas AT TEXAS! Just unreal. Get smoked at home by Utah. Get obliterated on the road next week by 50 some points and then go into Austin and beat a team who just beat a top ten team the week before. Just an incredible incredible situation. Big ups to CPR and the team. Way to be boys. Proud to be a cyclone!

Rams game next weekend. Can't explain how pumped I am for that. Especially because I found out that my brother is going too and the seats we have are REAL REAL nice! Get the fuck outta Ames and do something REAL! Fuck you Ames, I'm outta there!


P.S. The brilliant mind of Zach McFall and I are going to start writting as a team of epicness. So pumped for that...

Friday, October 22, 2010


Last night, I went out with some great friends and great people. Had a great time. Lived life. Did what I wanna do. Saw who I wanted to see. Be with who I wanted to be. I was with some great great people and I realize that I am a very lucky guy for what I have. Recently due to these past couple months, I have reconnected with a dear friend of mine. Him and I were the greatest of friends and we kinda grew apart. But things have changed and him and I are back again. It feels good. I also am hanging out with more people and that too feels good. Last night was great. Great people. Great atmosphere. Best of all, great memories.

Today I decided to come home to see a good friend who goes to school at Notre Dame. It's damn good to see him. Me and a couple friends went down to IC. Saw ALOT of people from my high school which was nice. But there was just something about it, I just didn't really care to be there much longer. I honestly can't explain why I didn't wanna be there but I just didn't. I was drinking and just was not feeling it. So I decided that I would call my dad and have him drive to IC to come get me. Love my dad. Has anyone ever had something in life just feel tarnished? It makes you think about memories or just gives you that sense of depression, uncomfortableness, just tarnished? IC feels that way to me everytime I go there. And honestly I know exactly why...

Got home and walked into my room that I grew up in for 18 years. It was just so surreal to be back in this room. Just so much history and memories. Took me back. But when I layed down in bed I checked my email. And for some reason I just had this feeling, that there was gonna be an email that just was just not gonna be good. I just felt like im gonna read something that is gonna put me in a funk. And would you believe it? There was a message. A message. From her... I have been doing soo well, not talking to her. Moving on. Trying my best. But she sent me a message. That message said that she saw me at Element last night and she said that when she saw me she sprinted out of Element. She said that it was so incredibly hard to see me. She said that she didn't think it would be that hard to see me. She said she was outside of Element. Shaking. What do I say? Do I write her back? What do I do? I kinda wish she didn't send me that message. I still to this day miss her. I miss her quite a bit. I miss having that someone. That someone who loves me. That person who cares about me. That girl to experience life with. That EXILERATION of having that girl. The EXILERATION of living life and creating those great memories with that girl you love. I want a girl. I want that girl. I want that love. I want it.

Man I miss her....


Note to self...

Cafe B Long Islands are everything they live up to be...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Lets try this again...

Ok ok so I understand that my first post wasn't exactly the happiest post but I am gonna try and fix that...

I stepped out on to my balcony and had a cig and I pondered an idea....

So as I stated before I am getting use to me being a little more alone and living life solo. When you do that you sort of realize who you are and what you wanna be in life. And I have found just that! Who am I? What do I wanna be in life? One word.....HAPPY! I wanna be happy. I wanna be a happy guy that does nothing but try and make other people happy as well! I wanna be a happy jolly fun outgoing guy. And right now that is what I am trying to do. Today I told 3 or 4 of my female classmates that they looked pretty today. And they really did! Very nice! Very attractive! Why would I do that? Because I am happy and I want to be happy by giving them a genuine compliment. My roommate and I have both discussed this, why cant you go up to a gorgeous girl and just tell her how gorgeous she is and have it be awkward? Or out of the norm? That really sucks because if it wasn't awkward I would tell all the people I find beautiful and let them I know think their beautiful. Because it makes them feel good which makes me feel good! Love that feeling!

Just wanted to let you know!


Its Showtime!

Why hello!?
You know ladies and gentlemen, life is very very very very very interesting. Lately I have gone through a huge change in my life. I am not going to go into details but just know that these past couple months have been the most real months I have ever lived.

Why do horrible things happen to good people? Can someone answer that question? If the answer you have is "Well that's just life!" Well then FUCK YOU! I have always said since the day I have been my parents have raised me to treat people the way I want to be treated. So I have. And although I have gotten great things out of life I have also had shit that is devastating to me. Something that makes me just want to end this life. It makes me just wanna.....leave. How can something/someone make another human being feel that hopeless, hurt, pained, sad, depressed, and worthless. People out in the world who do that to people deserve to have the worst karma in life and burn and rot in hell.

Although  those words are strong things have actually been much better these past couple weeks. I have been in a much MUCH better mood and my attitude has picked up. I feel a little more comfortable with myself and being on my own! Which is nice!

Got my manager day tomorrow. Really fucking pumped for it too. I just have this feeling that were gonna rock the SHIT out of it! Got some GREAT people in lab. People who I actually look forward to seeing! Family is going to be in attendance. VERY excited for that. Is there a greater feeling than impressing and pleasing people who are so close to you? Definitely up there.

This could be fun...