Thursday, November 25, 2010

Catch Up

Hello Friends....

Wow. I have been very late in writing my blogs. Wow. I haven't written one in atleast a week and a half or so. That's crazy. Julianne has been writing. Jennifer has been writing. McFall has been behind but he writes the best blogs so he gets a "Get out of jail for free" card.

It's been very very nice to be at home. Lots and lots of laundry to do!!! Holy shit! Crazy.

Had a very very good turkey day. Dad smoked our turkey and it was beyond delicious. Words can't begin to describe how flavorful it was. Props to the Pops. Ha props to the pops. Thats funny. But I got to see my Gram Gram which means alot to me. It just sort of makes me sad every time I see her because Pella has a depressing feeling to me. Just so little and dead. And seeing her knowing she is there by herself just makes me sad. She really isn't doing all that well. She is confused. Life is just hard to her right now and it just kills me inside. I have never met a sweeter, kinder lady and I can gurantee my life I never will...

I love you Gram Gram

Fuck I had a huge feeling to blog and now I don't have that feeling anymore. I am sitting in my pitch black
bedroom. Listening to music. Right now? Beatles. Awesome. Yesterday. Awesome song. Very touching.

Things between the dreamgirl and I have been great. It feels great. It feels right. After things that have thrown me into the lowest of lows have happened and yet I still am connected to her. I can't stop.

Has anyone ever heard the song "The Wind" by Cat Stevens? It was in various movies but the movie I had in mind was "Almost Famous." Have you seen that movie? By FAAAAAR and away one of the greatest movies ever. Anyways. In the movie this song plays and it is a scene of Kate Hudson just dancing around on a floor that had a concert on it. It is just a very touching scene. This song is such a great song. So smooth. So calming. If I could do anything right now I would sit in an auditorium by myself and watch the Dreamgirl dance to this. I would do anything right now to make that happen. Her dancing really does touch me. I am so proud to watch her dance. Man I have too many dreams...

Dreams can come true though....


Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Hello friends,

It's a very very gloomy day out today. It is really affecting me. Last night (or I should say this morning) I had to work. I didn't pull the covers over me until around 4ish. When I got home at 3am I asked myself "Self....should you take a sleeping pill?.." I thought, nah, your good son. Everything has been looking up. It really has. I have been happy. I am happy. I thought a sleeping pill isn't necessary. But I had a bad dream. A dream that when I woke up really messed me up. It put me in a mood where I become sad and low. Why is my body trying to tell me that she doesn't actually love me? Why is my body trying to fight my happiness and put me in a sad depressing mood where I feel like today is just gonna be a bad day? I just wish I could stop. Today I woke up at 1:30pm and I just feel shitty. Today I have no class. I have a day off. But why can't I enjoy it? Why do I have to feel gloomy because of a dream that I had? Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I feel like I am alone?

Is someone trying to tell me that I am suppose to be alone? Am I suppose to live by myself? Are my friends gone? Is my dreamgirl gone? Is she gone? I love her so much. She makes me so happy. She makes life feel so right and so happy. I love her so much. But is she gone? Are these dreams trying to tell me something? At work I knew she was out. But I didn't panic once. I was able to focus on work and not worry about what she was doing or who she was with. That is big for me. Good job big man. You're good dude. Are all my friends here? Is Weems here? Is Robbie here? Is the HRI gang here? Or am I just sitting on the balcony having a cig by myself? I don't wanna be alone. I wanna be with her. She makes me happy. I wanna make her happy.

What is going on?

Am I a good man? Am I worth living for? Do people like me? Am I just another person? I wanna be a part of someone's life. Or am I just suppose to do this on my own?

If she reads this post is she gonna leave me? Why? Why would she leave me? I am only human. I have emotions. Alot of them. I don't want her to leave me. I love her very much. I hope I make her happy. I hope she loves me. I think she does. I hope.

Maybe I just need to take my 150 milligrams of my happy pills...


Monday, November 15, 2010

Fat Mexicans, Wizard Staffs, and South Bend! OH MY!!!

Hello friends

Wow. Just wow. South Bend for a 3 day weekend. Wow. Nucking Futs. Went to Notre Dame on Thursday night and came home Sunday night. Very impressive. Campus is beautiful. People are....well definitely not what I'm use to but I met/saw some pretty kick ass people up there. Peebs, Julia, Slaney, Kray, OD, Nick, and many others. They can show ya a good time. Real nice people who just wanna have some fun. Lots of drinking. Lots of partying. And a shit ton of hangovers. Went to the game on Saturday. Did some wicked tailgating and discovered a great drinking project in Wizard Staffs. Thats right. Wizard Staffs. Take your empty beer and duct a new beer on top of it and keep going till you need to use it as a walking stick. Props to Kray for rockin a staff that was ATLEAST 17 deep. Just insane.

Went and saw Gabriel Igluesias in Des Moines Sunday night. I knew going in that that show was gonna be great but what I watched was 100x more than what I thought it was gonna be. Gabriel had a bunch of friends do some quick stand up before him. They were hilarious. But Gabriel is the man. He knows how to entertain a crowd! He stayed onstage for 2 hours over the alotted time slot!!!! He asked the audience if we wanted him to keep going and we all yelled and cheered YES! So he did! For 2 EXTRA hours! He is phenomenal live!

Saw the Dreamgirl tonight. God. That was....well words can not describe what it was. It was great seeing her.

Did she miss me....oh BOY! Did she miss me....

Man did I miss her....

Holla atch yo boi!


Sunday, November 7, 2010



A cig, good music, and a great night feels just as good as 150 mg of Sertralyne...


Saturday, November 6, 2010


Sigh hello friends.

Elena. I am sorry. I truly am. One minute I'm fine, the next, I'm not.

All I can do, all I can say.




Hahahahahahahahaha well here ladies and gentlemen.

Lets lay this out real quick...
First of all. Elena Riley. Yes I am talking to you. Fuck off. Don't get anywhere near me. Stay the fuck away from me. Do NOT text me. Do NOT email me. Please for my own sake and sanity GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!! I just can't fucking do it anymore. I write you. Text you. Do all that I can to get a hold of you. And what do you do? Email once in a while, bait me in, then torture me more. I can't fucking do it anymore. I just can't. It's not fucking worth it at all! I need to be around people who actually CARE for me! They WANT to be around me. They want to SEE me! They DO NOT LIE to me!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Why am I going to chase someone who won't chase me back? BAHAHAHAHA! It's not fucking worth it! In anyway shape or form!!!

I hope that you find all sorts of fucking guys and make out with them, jerk them off, fuck 'um, I don't fucking know. But you have done all of those with guys that you  either met on the first night AND/OR with people I have known since fucking ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!! Seriously!? Really!? Your gonna be that kind of person!?

You are a fucking two faced ass hole. You tell me how much you care and love for me yet you go and do that? You know what, take Jeff, Colby, Fellipi, Matt, whoever the fuck you want and do whatever the fuck you want to them. DO IT! Because you would do something like that.

You fucking lie, hurt, torture, and crush people for your own fucking sake!!! I want NOTHING to do with anyone like that. You are a fucking liar. I want nothing to do with it.

Go ahead and show this to all your friends. Try and make me the bad person. When in reality you are the heartless individual who can CHEAT AND LIE to someone after a 5 year relationship. Your the liar. Your the one who fucked up. Go ahead and try and make it look like I'm the wrong one. The bad person. Go ahead. It's something you would do anyways.

Have fun fucking anybody and lying about it to me.



It's your fucking NIGHTMARE!!!!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Blast from the past...

Hello friends...
Why chase something that doesn't want you? Why chase someone who doesn't wanna be chased? Why chase someone....

Well idk...

Just lost interest in blogging...

Hope your fucking night goes great....


Thursday, November 4, 2010


First of all I'm just gonna say it. McFall is the man. He is. He understands life. He get's it. He is someone who is willing to help anybody when they need it. He's a good dude who just wants to have a good time with good people. Good guy. Good guy.

I wanna tell a little story. Tonight I went out with McFall and some other people. (Gotta visit that Long Island...) Tonight I met a girl. Her name? Meaghan. Yes thats how you spell it. M E A G H A N. Its those Irish roots! Well anyways tonight we were chatting away. I struck up a conversation and got to know her. That's all that I did. I chatted with her while McFall did his own thang! Well anyways. She just got up and left. She just left. Hey I gotta go. Cya. And left. Later that night the gang decided to head over to Sips to start cuttin' some rugs. Guess who I saw!!!! Thats right! Those ol' IRISH EYES! The look on her face was fucking priceless. PRICELESS!!! She knew she just got caught. Later on I was chillin at Sips. Cuttin rugs. Hangin out with good people! So when I went home I realized that the Brickstone Place. The apartments across the streets from my building had their fire alarm going off. All these people in sweats and blankets are freezing to death because some drunken idiot pulled the fire alarm. Well as I walked by guess who I say!!!! THATS RIGHT!!! THOSE IRISH EYES!!!! She looked fucking miserable!!! It was just fucking hilarious! The look she gave me when she realized who I was. I would do anything just to see that one more time. Well anyways that just made me laugh. I guess here is my point. In this world there are girls who are fucking terrible. Worthless. Heartless. Disgusting people. Girls who are selfish, heartless, and could give a fuck about anybody BUT herself. There are girls who are liars. Not loyal. CHEATERS! Girls who don't care about other peoples emotions and feelings. Girls who will do what they want no matter what. CHEATERS! LIARS! BACKSTABBERS! Well ladies and gentlemen I believe that there is a certain level of KARMA! KARMA!!!! Karma does fucking exist in this world. If you LIE! CHEAT! HURT people. You better fucking believe that KARMA will be coming to get you! WATCH OUT!!!! I wish this fucking world could get rid of those girls. They do nothing but lie, cheat, and hurt people who try and do nothing but the best. Those people need to disappear. They need to leave. They have no business being around people who mean nothing but the best. Liars. CHEATERS! People who hurt other people need to just get the fuck out of here. They need to be gone. Guys who cheat on women and WOMEN who CHEAT on MEN!!! They all need to fucking get out of here and go to their own fucking place where all those heartless, gutless people can be together. FUCK YOU!

I just tell you to text me just a little more. I talk to you. I send you texts. I write you messages. What do you do? NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!! Your gonna try? Your gonna try!? Your HARDEST!? This is your hardest!? Are you fucking kidding me!? You don't give a fuck! You just don't! You don't fucking love me. You DO NOT wanna see me. You miss me? Fine. You DO NOT wanna see me. I am just gonna quit. I hate being in this pain to just get nothing in return. What am I to do? Weep? Cry? What? Why can't I get something back that I deserve!? Why? I am just trying to be the best person I can be. Why can't you just fucking take 10 fucking minutes of your time!? Just write me back!! Its not that hard!! You fucking know it!

Watch out mother fuckers! KARMA will get you!!!


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

To whoever the fuck this concerns...

Ok i get it. I fucking get it. Today is not my day. Today is not my fucking day. I fucking get it. I fucking knew the fucking minute I got up I knew it wasn't goin to be my fucking day.

I don't fucking care if im getting am vibe from most of my friends that makes me feel that they don't fucking want me around. I don't fucking care if I feel like my closest fucking friends are actng like I'm worthless and dont want me around. I don't fucking care that my closest friends are being fucking douches to me. I don't care that the once love of my fucking life betrays me and fucks and hooks up with other fucking guys while she is with or without me. I don't care that the person I dedicated my fucking life to and gave everything I fucking had to goes and commits one of the biggest fucking acts of betrayal and smashes
Me fucking heart beyond repair! She goes And fucking jerks the fuck out of someone thT I have fuckin known since third grade. Fucks a dude the first fucking night she meets him. I don't fucking care that my friends and loved ones aren't fucking giving a fuck about anything! I don't fucking care!!! I just don't fucking know why it fucking has to be me! I have A broken fucking heart a fucked up life. I'm taking pills, smoking, and talking to a counselor and yet this still fucking happens to me!!! Why?! Why the fuck does this have to happen to me! I am trying to be the best fucking person I can fucking be. I'm trying my hardest to find out who the fuck I am!!!

I still fucking text her! I still wanna talk to her! But she is the one who deserves this! Why is this happening to me?! WHY!!?? Im gonna wanna write her an email. And I won't fucking hear back from her till she is fucking gone!!! Why the fuck me?!

Whhy the fuck do my friends treat me like shut and the girl I love commits the biggest dishonorable act but I'm the one getting fucked?! I'm just trying to fucking be me!!!!

I can't fucking to this anymore. The help. The pills. Fuck
It!!! I can't do it!

Why the fuck meeeee?!?!

Fuck you!!!!!