It's a very very gloomy day out today. It is really affecting me. Last night (or I should say this morning) I had to work. I didn't pull the covers over me until around 4ish. When I got home at 3am I asked myself "Self....should you take a sleeping pill?.." I thought, nah, your good son. Everything has been looking up. It really has. I have been happy. I am happy. I thought a sleeping pill isn't necessary. But I had a bad dream. A dream that when I woke up really messed me up. It put me in a mood where I become sad and low. Why is my body trying to tell me that she doesn't actually love me? Why is my body trying to fight my happiness and put me in a sad depressing mood where I feel like today is just gonna be a bad day? I just wish I could stop. Today I woke up at 1:30pm and I just feel shitty. Today I have no class. I have a day off. But why can't I enjoy it? Why do I have to feel gloomy because of a dream that I had? Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I feel like I am alone?
Is someone trying to tell me that I am suppose to be alone? Am I suppose to live by myself? Are my friends gone? Is my dreamgirl gone? Is she gone? I love her so much. She makes me so happy. She makes life feel so right and so happy. I love her so much. But is she gone? Are these dreams trying to tell me something? At work I knew she was out. But I didn't panic once. I was able to focus on work and not worry about what she was doing or who she was with. That is big for me. Good job big man. You're good dude. Are all my friends here? Is Weems here? Is Robbie here? Is the HRI gang here? Or am I just sitting on the balcony having a cig by myself? I don't wanna be alone. I wanna be with her. She makes me happy. I wanna make her happy.
What is going on?
Am I a good man? Am I worth living for? Do people like me? Am I just another person? I wanna be a part of someone's life. Or am I just suppose to do this on my own?
If she reads this post is she gonna leave me? Why? Why would she leave me? I am only human. I have emotions. Alot of them. I don't want her to leave me. I love her very much. I hope I make her happy. I hope she loves me. I think she does. I hope.
Maybe I just need to take my 150 milligrams of my happy pills...