Where Do Nice Guys Actually Finish?

Hello Friends....

I love my parents. I love my parents with all the power I have in my heart. I would do anything for them. I try my hardest for them. I be the best person I can be for them. I stand here today saying that the only reason why I am not dead is because of my parents. I hugged my mom and as she started to tear up she asked me.."Just promise me you won't hurt yourself." I replied with..."Ok mom I won't." My father and I were sitting in our driveway. My wounds still severely severely new. The first words out of his mouth as he started to break down was "Well if I could take your pain away, I would." I couldn't help but just break down with him and say "Yeah I know pops." The only reason why there are cuts in my wrists, a bullet in my brain, or pills in my system, is because of my parents and brother. I promised my mom that I wouldn't. And then you have people like Zach McFall. McFall has ALWAYS been there no matter what happened. I ask him questions about Steph. I asked him questions about Elena. I ask him questions about life. Because at this point I have no clue how to live my life. If I need someone to talk to, he's there. If I need someone to hang out with, he's there. If I need to go to the bar to keep my buzz going, he's there.  Last week he wrote a post that I truly believe was one of the greatest pieces of writing I have ever read. He specifically told me that I need to read it. I remember saying to him right after I read it and said that is who I am trying to be. That was the person I have tried to and try to be each and every single day. McFall then started to tell me to quit being a bitch. I was confused. He responded by saying, you are a good guy. He said he has known that I was a great guy since the day he met me. I want to believe I am good guy. I believe I am a good guy. I try to be. But a few certain people believe that neither I nor Zach is a good person. Why? Is he wrong? Am I wrong?

On the ride home from the KFC, I thought about some stuff. There was a voice inside me telling me that I just gotta be myself. I gotta do things myself for myself. I gotta take one day at time by myself. Does Steph have to be with me at the bars? Do we need lots of people to come with us? Do I need talk to someone if I am having troubles? I just gotta be myself. Think about things for myself. I have some hopes. I have some big hopes. But trying too hard can sometimes hurt some of those hopes. I am gonna take my Xanax. Take my Zoloft. And continue to make life the best it can be. I will always have my family. I will till the day I die. I like to believe that McFall will always be there. But I have to take a Xanax so that I will try not to dream about how Elena fucked some guy? Or that I have no place being here. I have no one else here. I need outside help to live my life. And that makes me feel like I am weak. That I just have to much baggage. Well I haven't cut myself. I haven't put a gun in my mouth. I haven't ODed on pills. I haven't. And now I am going to think about things just for myself. I text Steph about how I hoped she had a great time. But then the convo just....stops.....well Jake. Just close the phone, and wake up the next day.

You know I ain't perfect, but you'll like me to try
And just like the devil who wants me to lie
Till I die
Lord why is it that, that I go through so much pain
All I saw was black and all I felt was rain
I come to you because it's you that knows
To show me that everything is black
Because me eyes were closed
You give me the light and let me bask in your glory
So it was only right that when you ask for this story
I put together to do all dogs some good


Father please walk with us through the bad times as well as the good, may we be heard and understood from the suburbs to the hood
May you judge us by our hearts and not by our mistakes, and see that we get a breakthrough however long that it takes
Lord you take care of fools and babies, you teach women to honor their men, and men respect their ladies, but lately, so many of us have gone astray, doing wrong for so long that we’ve forgotten the way

DMX

My birthday will be coming up. I asked Steph if she would do me the pleasure of joining me at a musical in Des Moines. She responded by saying yes with a smiley face. It made me feel great. I really am happy she can join me. And then I asked Steph to be my +1 at my brother's wedding in August. My date really means alot to me. This is the only wedding in my nuclear family besides for my own. I am the best man at my brother's wedding. This means alot to me. I hope she knows that. I believe she does and I believe she will be the best date someone could ask for.

Franky Morales - She Killin' It

J(.33)

They go up and down...like strippers booties go!

Hello friends...

I am sitting here. In the kitchen and I thought to myself..."Self! Why do you have split personalities all the time?" Seriously, yesterday I had a rough rough day. My thoughts were rough, my conscience was attacking me, and it just wasn't a good day...But today, today was a good day. I was happy. Cheerful. My old talkitive self. Having great conversations with Mr. McFall and Jordain. I just wish I knew why my emotions change so quickly. Why do I just not wanna see a single face and then when I talk to Neske, I just can't help but be goofy. Why? Is it bad? Do girls find that unattractive? I try my hardest just to keep it in so that it doesn't effect or bother anyone else. I don't think I am very good at hiding it but idk. I mean yesterday things were hurtin' a little bit but the Steph said she would come out with me! I was so pumped! I've wanted to go out with this girl for a long long time. I remember back in highschool how happy she made me feel. She treated me like a king. She treated me like I meant something to her. It made me feel great. I wish I had that now really. But I think I messed it up. Fuck me :-/

Well its almost 5 pm. and I have to get ready to make social hour orderves (no I don't feel like spelling that right...)

I love you all.
Dear women of ISU. You all are very gorgeous. I mean it.

Snoop Dogg - Boom (<---thats fire! just ask McFall)

Need it to be Thursday...

J uno tres

That Brick Wall

Hello Friends...

How is your spring break goin? Hope its everything you wanted it to be.

But ya know I think I am gettin' to a point that I didn't want or think I get to. I am just not doin' that well. Still just feeling a little low at times. I believe I am getting farther and farther away from Elena. But still not quite there. But I have also thought about somethin' else. It's not necessarily Elena, I just think its a case of depression. The levels in my brain just aren't where they are suppose to be. Life still feels like something is just different. There is something in my mind that is just makin' it feel...odd. Just something isn't right. Almost like I forgot to do something. I just don't know what. Its almost like I feel sick. My body isn't functioning quite right. But what do I do? I could talk to McFall but I have talked to that man about so much shit that I think I have burned him out. Do I talk to my Mom? I could. But my mom is just that no non-sense kind of woman. She would just tell me to buck up and move on. And that doesn't necessarily help. Do I talk to Alan? I think Alan could help but him and I just aren't on that level friendship where he can give me advice to live by. He might just agree with me and tell me he knows how that feels. Don't get me wrong. I love Alan to death. I just don't think he can help me with what I need. I have gone on multiple trips. Got out of Ames. Detroit. St. Paul. St. Louis. I've gone many many places. And they are all great. But still at the end of the day when everything is said and done, I still feel low. I am almost mad at myself.

Courtney and McFall told me I have to be happy with myself before I find a girl. Which I see. But am I ever gonna be happy again? Because I am doing what I want to do. I don't have to worry about panic or anxiety attacks about Elena anymore. Which is one of the biggest weights off my shoulders, but why am I still low? I just don't feel like any girl thinks highly of me in a friendship AND relationship kind of way.

I mean Steph is asking where her "prince" is. She deserves a prince. A guy who gives her everything she gives him. I know her. She really does. I know how she treats her guys. But can I not be that prince? After having someone like Elena for so long, I see what I did wrong, things I can do better, and things that I will constantly do. Do any girls see me as someone worth being with? Maybe not here. Maybe once I get out of ISU and move maybe I can find that girl. I remember telling Courtney that I wanted to show a girl what I have to give. But she was right, I have to be happy with myself first before I find a girl.

I think I gotta have a chat with the Doc and see if there is anything we can do. But now a days I'll pop Nyquil and a Xanex just so I can relax and not think so much. My mind just constantly thinks. And it really is exhausting mentally.

Heres to you all with all the help you have givin' me. But here is also to hopin' that I can get through this brick wall in my mind!

One love

Bob Dylan - Blowin' In the Wind

J13

Lay Me Down

Hello friends...

I have been talking Courtney (the girl I hung out with when I went home) and she has just been a Godsend. She has just been helpful and a great friend. She just keeps reiterating that I just have to make myself happy. And after listening to McFall and her same the same thing I just have to do that. I have to do things that make me happy. I have to be happy with myself. I thought I was happy with myself but that just isn't true. Haven't been eating much. Been very tired. Just feelin' pretty low! Thankfully she texted me first and we have just been chatting. It makes me feel good. She has let me talk about ALL my problems and thoughts and she has helped me. Even though she is going through a very rough patch in her own life. Man I missed this girl! Good thing she is comin' over for VEISHEA! Get up!

So I was thinkin' about what is the best way to be happy? Make myself happy? Be happy with myself? Well first I had to find some good music. And I found the perfect song. A song that I seriously listen to over and over again because it has the power to just relax me. Calm my mind down. Lay Me Down by the Dirty Heads. God this song is just so great. It just hits the spot! It makes me happy. So chill. So relaxed. It tells me a story that I listen to over and over again. The beat, the tempo, the voices. Its just such a great song that can put me in a great mood.

Baby you can lay me down....

Dirty Heads - Lay Me Down

7!E

What is it like inside?...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear. 

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got... 

J 13

Waiting for the End

Linkin Park

Bentley

Hello Friends...

Well I guess it has been sometime since I have written anything...
Well I was outside for my traditional Sunday evening smoke. And I just thought about somethings that maybe I will write about.

Went home this weekend. Man that was relaxing. Just staying home. Hanging out with Mom and Dad. Watching TV. Putting new skins on my skates! Excellent! I just always am surprised at how great my parents are. So kind. So genuine. So relaxing to be around. Not worrying about what I am going to do. Just staying home and relaxing. Not having to worry about calling anyone. Just enjoy the company of my parents. Definitely what I needed. I also went and hung out with a good good friend of mine that I used to work with. She is so much fun to hang out with. She is funny, bubbly, and always a great person to chat with. She has a few dogs who are all characters and also alot of fun to hang out with. She unfortunately just broke up with her boyfriend so she was a little down in the dumps but hopefully I was able to cheer her up and make her smile.

I was thinkin' about things on the drive home as well. I kind of think that I am oblivious to life. I just don't think I get it. I thought I understood it. But sometimes I still feel low and almost anxious. Almost scared that some people really don't care for who I am. I am afraid that people think I am too loud and obnoxious to be around. Is that true? It might be. I might show too much emotion. I might say too much. I might talk too much. I hate feeling that I am doing something wrong. Or I am the kind of person that people really don't like being around. But I always thought that I was suppose to worry about myself and myself only but doesn't that make me selfish? I always thought I should be whoever I was hanging with wants me to be. I try to be kind and sincere to women. I try and relate and chat with guys. But why do I still feel like I am just not getting it? Maybe after hitting a low of lows, I think I got such a swing of reality that now I view life differently. Do I piss everyone off? hahaha I think I do.

My Montre shades got here tonight! I was really really excited to get those and rock them out! AMall also put in another 5 dollar gift certificate so I think its the Valo4Life dvd next! Hahahaha!

Still need a date to my brother's wedding. Hopefully I can find a great girl.. We will see what tomorrow brings!

Night guys
Jay13

ps. Hey Elena, if you still read my blog (which I kinda doubt you do...) but if you do, go onto YouTube and look up the song "Youtopia" by Armin Van Buuren. Recognize the voice?...

Youtopia - Armin Van Buuren

Baby its BITTERcold outside!

Hello friends...

If only words could describe my weekend. Leaving at 6 am on thursday to head to D-Town! Good ol' Detroit Michigan for THE Bittercold Showdown XI 2011!!! I guess the only way I can describe it was just wow. I was in awe literally the entire weekend. Rollerblading has seriously made a huge impact on my life. Robbie has opened a door in my life that has just changed things. Getting into Detroit (a place that I have never been) and going into Modern Skate Park in Royal Oak Michigan. Seeing all the pros of rollerblading. The Shaun White or Tony Hawk of pro rollerblading! Haffey! Morales! Shima! Aragon! Broskow! Sizemore! Bah! Farmer! Montre! Jon Jon! I was just fucking star struck! These guys that I watch videos of, or read articles on are right in front of me! I couldn't believe it. Adam was saying "Dude they are just people. Like you and I." And although he is right, these guys are people I look up to. People I truly admire for their talent that mostly goes unnoticed by the people of this world. I just couldn't believe these guys were right in front of me! Not to mention that Robbie's brother made a flight from Miami to come with us. Let me tell you. That is one cool cat. He is polite, funny, and is just an all around great guy to be around. He was my session partner. Him and I skated a lot together. It was fucking awesome. I can't skate with Robbie, or Adam. They do shit I can't do. Where as Thom could skate with me. It was just such a great weekend. Seeing team Valo or Rollerblade or even my personal favorite Razors baby! It was just so fucking surreal! The trade show. Spending money on t-shirts, wheels, bearings, and decals! It was just so fucking awesome. Watching Aragon try a 630 back royale on the A-Frame or Cudot locking a full cab soul grind on the Gnar bar. Just so fucking amazing. Great park. Great people. Great parties. Great atmosphere. So freaking cool.

I was on facebook and saw a girl from back home have a status that talked about telling guys to "fucking show some emotion..." and I was INSTANTLY attracted. She told me to call her when I come home and I am actually going home this weekend most likely so I am interested to see how she is doing and catch up with her. But when I read that status of her saying that she wanted a guy to show her some emotion it just instantly attracted me. It made me realize that I have things that I am looking for. A girl looking for emotion and hopefully show emotion back. I want that. BAD!!!

To the girl who is emotionally struggling. I still hope the best for you. I am still attracted to you but realize now just isn't the time. If your not attracted to me okay. I can cope with that. But I just really want to help you. I wanna be there for you. You obviously are struggling. But when I ask you just say "I'm Ok".....(0_o).......I don't think that is true. And I always thought just screaming and shouting, ranting and venting is just a great way to help. And I will GLADLY be your punching bag. But I DO know what its like not wanting to talk about what your going through. I just wish I could help you. Hang in there. No matter what, you WILL wake up the next morning. Just remember that. I am here.

Ya know its kind of funny because I have quite a few other thoughts going through my head....but....people I know read this blog. But should I say some of these things? I mean that is the point of this blog right? To speak your mind? But if I do I might be an asshole....and I don't want that....honestly....I am trying to become a better person. Nah maybe I'll just keep them to myself....ponder them myself. Maybe tell McFall? Idk maybe. Guess we will just have to see.

Well I thought I was gonna have a great post but this one is not one of my bests...I don't even have a song....FUCK!

Sublime - The Wrong Way

J13