Sunday, April 3, 2011

Where Do Nice Guys Actually Finish?

Hello Friends....

I love my parents. I love my parents with all the power I have in my heart. I would do anything for them. I try my hardest for them. I be the best person I can be for them. I stand here today saying that the only reason why I am not dead is because of my parents. I hugged my mom and as she started to tear up she asked me.."Just promise me you won't hurt yourself." I replied with..."Ok mom I won't." My father and I were sitting in our driveway. My wounds still severely severely new. The first words out of his mouth as he started to break down was "Well if I could take your pain away, I would." I couldn't help but just break down with him and say "Yeah I know pops." The only reason why there are cuts in my wrists, a bullet in my brain, or pills in my system, is because of my parents and brother. I promised my mom that I wouldn't. And then you have people like Zach McFall. McFall has ALWAYS been there no matter what happened. I ask him questions about Steph. I asked him questions about Elena. I ask him questions about life. Because at this point I have no clue how to live my life. If I need someone to talk to, he's there. If I need someone to hang out with, he's there. If I need to go to the bar to keep my buzz going, he's there.  Last week he wrote a post that I truly believe was one of the greatest pieces of writing I have ever read. He specifically told me that I need to read it. I remember saying to him right after I read it and said that is who I am trying to be. That was the person I have tried to and try to be each and every single day. McFall then started to tell me to quit being a bitch. I was confused. He responded by saying, you are a good guy. He said he has known that I was a great guy since the day he met me. I want to believe I am good guy. I believe I am a good guy. I try to be. But a few certain people believe that neither I nor Zach is a good person. Why? Is he wrong? Am I wrong?

On the ride home from the KFC, I thought about some stuff. There was a voice inside me telling me that I just gotta be myself. I gotta do things myself for myself. I gotta take one day at time by myself. Does Steph have to be with me at the bars? Do we need lots of people to come with us? Do I need talk to someone if I am having troubles? I just gotta be myself. Think about things for myself. I have some hopes. I have some big hopes. But trying too hard can sometimes hurt some of those hopes. I am gonna take my Xanax. Take my Zoloft. And continue to make life the best it can be. I will always have my family. I will till the day I die. I like to believe that McFall will always be there. But I have to take a Xanax so that I will try not to dream about how Elena fucked some guy? Or that I have no place being here. I have no one else here. I need outside help to live my life. And that makes me feel like I am weak. That I just have to much baggage. Well I haven't cut myself. I haven't put a gun in my mouth. I haven't ODed on pills. I haven't. And now I am going to think about things just for myself. I text Steph about how I hoped she had a great time. But then the convo just....stops.....well Jake. Just close the phone, and wake up the next day.

You know I ain't perfect, but you'll like me to try
And just like the devil who wants me to lie
Till I die
Lord why is it that, that I go through so much pain
All I saw was black and all I felt was rain
I come to you because it's you that knows
To show me that everything is black
Because me eyes were closed
You give me the light and let me bask in your glory
So it was only right that when you ask for this story
I put together to do all dogs some good

Father please walk with us through the bad times as well as the good, may we be heard and understood from the suburbs to the hood
May you judge us by our hearts and not by our mistakes, and see that we get a breakthrough however long that it takes
Lord you take care of fools and babies, you teach women to honor their men, and men respect their ladies, but lately, so many of us have gone astray, doing wrong for so long that we’ve forgotten the way


My birthday will be coming up. I asked Steph if she would do me the pleasure of joining me at a musical in Des Moines. She responded by saying yes with a smiley face. It made me feel great. I really am happy she can join me. And then I asked Steph to be my +1 at my brother's wedding in August. My date really means alot to me. This is the only wedding in my nuclear family besides for my own. I am the best man at my brother's wedding. This means alot to me. I hope she knows that. I believe she does and I believe she will be the best date someone could ask for.
Franky Morales - She Killin' It


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