Sunday, October 31, 2010


This time I'm gonna fucking lay it down. I'm going to splash this shit. I'm gonna fucking make up for that bull shit weak showing amateur hour shit from a couple days ago...

Today I experienced something that I will remember for the rest of my entire fucking life. A memory that I will continue to remember like it was yesterday. Today I did something that truely meant "the world and more" to me. Today I went to a St. Louis Rams game. Today I did something that I told myself I was going to do before I die. Today I did something where nothing in this life mattered but this game. Today I was in the 3rd row of the Edward Jones Dome which is a mind blowing building and watched a team that I have been an avid fan of since I was in 5th grade. Not only did I watch the football team that I would die for today, I also got to see a special ceremony honoring one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history. I saw him in person today. I saw Issac Bruce in person get his jersey number retired. That almost made me broke down. I watched this man play as I grew up. From elementary school to high school he was the #1 receiver for my team. To see him in person. Be 100 feet away from. Just mind blowing. Lately I have talked about experiencing things in life. And this experience today is something I will never forget or trade anything for. I sat in my seat and looked at the clock tick down minute by minute. Quarter by quarter. I remember telling myself "man this game is going too fast." I did not want this game to end. I was so happy. So content. I didn't care about anything else in life. What an incredible feeling. Thank you mom. Thank you dad. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

But as I lay here and explain how remarkable this event was, I think to myself. I wish I had someone other than family be there with me. I wanted to experience this with a loved one that meant everything to me (other than family). But she left me so I couldn't have that happen.

I got an email today. She showed emotion. She truly showed emotion. I could feel what she was thinking. It hit me. It really did. I asked for an email with feeling and thats what I got. But I just have to tell myself....

She's gone. She's not yours anymore....

Thanks Armin...
J13 wait no....

Tonight its J80

Friday, October 29, 2010


Just watched Stomp. Wow. Just wow. Some people are real genius...

You need to send me an email.

Yes you

You know who I'm talking to.

Send me an email

I gave you this URL to show my feelings.

I want your feelings back.



Wow crazy crazy night with the HRI crew last night. Starting to really enjoy that group. Cafe B to Sips to rip of that dance floor? Fuck yeah! McFall is the man and Neske is the shiznit! Oh and the ladies of HRI are great as well. Nice people. Lookin to have a good time. Gotta love that. I have visited the long island twice now and both times.....I lost those battles.

Came home today. Were heading to St. Louis tomorrow. Can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this weekend. I am going to experience something that means very very much to me. I could give a flying fuck about Ames, homecoming, the football game, halloween etc. What I am going to do this weekend trumps just about everything...

The drive home was relaxing. (boring but relaxing). As I was driving I was listening to my favorite Widespread Panic CD. Its a great album with some great tracks. But driving and listening to WP made me thing of somethings. Things about my past. My recent past. Driving by my old house on Hayward. Makes me miss last year. I enjoyed last year. Alot. Then it made me realize. I am a kind of person that cherishes memories. Great memories. I dwell on them. I think about them. But these memories are tarnished now unfortunately. There is a track on the WP album that reminds me of her. Because when I heard that song, I had my heart broken. Not a good memory. It was hard. As I was thinking there were alot of things today that made me think of tarnished memories. Today I wore my Sam Bradford jersey. That jersey means alot to me. (If you know me you'll know why.) This jersey is a very prized possession to me. That jersey was part of a very important event in my life. An event that dealt with her. A very special, life changing event. And now to me this jersey has a tarnished memory to it. And it makes me upset because this jersey means so much to me. Today while I was driving home I sort of have a makeshift arm rest for myself. Its actually a bed frame that is layed out throughout my car. A bed frame that I purchased for her. Because she told me she couldn't live with me. So I went out and bought a bed frame cuz she wanted to. This bed frame makes me think of a memory. A memory that hurts me. Alot

You know what hurts? Everything that has involved her just makes me angry, sad, depressed, hurt and whole lot of other shitty emotions. If I see her, it instantly ruins my day. If I talk to her I just get angry. I have to erase her from my life. I hate it. She meant so much to me. I loved her so much. And she broke my heart. Our relationship is now tarnished.

This blog post blows...

I am just not in the writing mood. I was earlier. Shoulda blogged earlier.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Isn't it amazing what kind of magic music can do? It to me is truly incredible. It can change your mood within 3 or 4 minutes. All by lyrics and sounds. But not only can it change your mood, it take you into a state of pure freedom and release. I have recently been allowed into the world of Armin van Buuren. This man is gifted. This man has a gift and a talent that people rarely see these he is dutch. If anyone wants to see what its like be magically tranced please look him up. I recommend Mirage and Full Focus. Listening to this music puts you on a trip of relaxation. I saw her. I saw her for the first time in a very very long time. Walking to class I saw her. Before that I was listening to Reel Big Fish. I saw her and realized that was her. That was her. So what did I do? Unfortunately the only thing I could do.....waived and kept walking. Continued on with my life. I saw someone who I known and loved for 5 years of my life and the only thing I could do was waive. Someone who I have so many memories with, so many stories, so much love. All I could do is waive. After that I realized that I had to go on with my life. But Reel Big Fish just was not doing it for me anymore. So what did I put on? This Fire Burns by Killswitch Engage. Why? Because first of all the singers voice and screams just attack all that anger and frustration within you. But also because the song states that "even through the darkest days, this fire burns always." I am angry. Angry and her. Angry and life. I am just frustrated. Just....have.....nothing....

Women really really piss me off. I believe that I am extremely outgoing and very very spontaneous in life. After listening to some trance music I realized that I need to see a trance show. I wanna go to a trance bar. I wanna live this. But not just by myself. I wanna live that with someone. I wanna experience that with someone. A girl who would love to be tranced and experience the music just as much as I do. I can't wait till I find that girl who is just like me and will be willing to do anything spontaneous. Just live the life and the experience. Because I know, if we were surrounded by the magic that is trance music and dancing. Just letting it all go for the experience. Just loving life and living it to the fullest. God that would be incredible. And I hope that girl is out there. Cuz I wanna find her. Real bad.

This Light Between Us by Armin just incredible. So powerful. So strong.

This music just puts you in a state of mind that just seems like your free. That you have nothing to worry about. If the situation is right and the setting is right and the music is right, your mind can just escape mentally. Can just be free. Its awesome.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Man oh man. What a weekend. Decided I would come home for the weekend. Friday was a little crazy. Riding home with Weems, listening to Eminem, Armin van Buuren, and the Bloody Beat wow. Then that night went to IC and saw a bunch of people from highschool. Some really really good friends. Tonight went to an INCREDIBLE restaurant in Mt. Vernon called "The Lincoln Cafe" with my family, brother and his fiance, and her parents. Man what a crazy restaurant. They don't serve alcohol but you can bring your own. Hahaha my mom and my bro's fiance's mom downed like a bottle and a half of wine. Man that was awesome. I love my family and my family to be!

After that met up with Weems and went to the Red Lion which is a bar here in CR and met up with his parents and some of their friends. Man those are some fun people to drink with. No doubt about it. Then Weems and I went to Dublin City Pub which is another bar here. Man, I just don't know what to say about that place. I just can't explain it. Especially on a blog lol. But after that we went back to my place and had some smokes and smoked a Cohiba along with some beers on my porch and just chatted. Great great time.

Btw lets talk about a football club known as the Iowa State Cyclones. Pulling off an unforgettable upset against the #19 ranked team in the nation in Texas AT TEXAS! Just unreal. Get smoked at home by Utah. Get obliterated on the road next week by 50 some points and then go into Austin and beat a team who just beat a top ten team the week before. Just an incredible incredible situation. Big ups to CPR and the team. Way to be boys. Proud to be a cyclone!

Rams game next weekend. Can't explain how pumped I am for that. Especially because I found out that my brother is going too and the seats we have are REAL REAL nice! Get the fuck outta Ames and do something REAL! Fuck you Ames, I'm outta there!


P.S. The brilliant mind of Zach McFall and I are going to start writting as a team of epicness. So pumped for that...

Friday, October 22, 2010


Last night, I went out with some great friends and great people. Had a great time. Lived life. Did what I wanna do. Saw who I wanted to see. Be with who I wanted to be. I was with some great great people and I realize that I am a very lucky guy for what I have. Recently due to these past couple months, I have reconnected with a dear friend of mine. Him and I were the greatest of friends and we kinda grew apart. But things have changed and him and I are back again. It feels good. I also am hanging out with more people and that too feels good. Last night was great. Great people. Great atmosphere. Best of all, great memories.

Today I decided to come home to see a good friend who goes to school at Notre Dame. It's damn good to see him. Me and a couple friends went down to IC. Saw ALOT of people from my high school which was nice. But there was just something about it, I just didn't really care to be there much longer. I honestly can't explain why I didn't wanna be there but I just didn't. I was drinking and just was not feeling it. So I decided that I would call my dad and have him drive to IC to come get me. Love my dad. Has anyone ever had something in life just feel tarnished? It makes you think about memories or just gives you that sense of depression, uncomfortableness, just tarnished? IC feels that way to me everytime I go there. And honestly I know exactly why...

Got home and walked into my room that I grew up in for 18 years. It was just so surreal to be back in this room. Just so much history and memories. Took me back. But when I layed down in bed I checked my email. And for some reason I just had this feeling, that there was gonna be an email that just was just not gonna be good. I just felt like im gonna read something that is gonna put me in a funk. And would you believe it? There was a message. A message. From her... I have been doing soo well, not talking to her. Moving on. Trying my best. But she sent me a message. That message said that she saw me at Element last night and she said that when she saw me she sprinted out of Element. She said that it was so incredibly hard to see me. She said that she didn't think it would be that hard to see me. She said she was outside of Element. Shaking. What do I say? Do I write her back? What do I do? I kinda wish she didn't send me that message. I still to this day miss her. I miss her quite a bit. I miss having that someone. That someone who loves me. That person who cares about me. That girl to experience life with. That EXILERATION of having that girl. The EXILERATION of living life and creating those great memories with that girl you love. I want a girl. I want that girl. I want that love. I want it.

Man I miss her....


Note to self...

Cafe B Long Islands are everything they live up to be...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Lets try this again...

Ok ok so I understand that my first post wasn't exactly the happiest post but I am gonna try and fix that...

I stepped out on to my balcony and had a cig and I pondered an idea....

So as I stated before I am getting use to me being a little more alone and living life solo. When you do that you sort of realize who you are and what you wanna be in life. And I have found just that! Who am I? What do I wanna be in life? One word.....HAPPY! I wanna be happy. I wanna be a happy guy that does nothing but try and make other people happy as well! I wanna be a happy jolly fun outgoing guy. And right now that is what I am trying to do. Today I told 3 or 4 of my female classmates that they looked pretty today. And they really did! Very nice! Very attractive! Why would I do that? Because I am happy and I want to be happy by giving them a genuine compliment. My roommate and I have both discussed this, why cant you go up to a gorgeous girl and just tell her how gorgeous she is and have it be awkward? Or out of the norm? That really sucks because if it wasn't awkward I would tell all the people I find beautiful and let them I know think their beautiful. Because it makes them feel good which makes me feel good! Love that feeling!

Just wanted to let you know!


Its Showtime!

Why hello!?
You know ladies and gentlemen, life is very very very very very interesting. Lately I have gone through a huge change in my life. I am not going to go into details but just know that these past couple months have been the most real months I have ever lived.

Why do horrible things happen to good people? Can someone answer that question? If the answer you have is "Well that's just life!" Well then FUCK YOU! I have always said since the day I have been my parents have raised me to treat people the way I want to be treated. So I have. And although I have gotten great things out of life I have also had shit that is devastating to me. Something that makes me just want to end this life. It makes me just wanna.....leave. How can something/someone make another human being feel that hopeless, hurt, pained, sad, depressed, and worthless. People out in the world who do that to people deserve to have the worst karma in life and burn and rot in hell.

Although  those words are strong things have actually been much better these past couple weeks. I have been in a much MUCH better mood and my attitude has picked up. I feel a little more comfortable with myself and being on my own! Which is nice!

Got my manager day tomorrow. Really fucking pumped for it too. I just have this feeling that were gonna rock the SHIT out of it! Got some GREAT people in lab. People who I actually look forward to seeing! Family is going to be in attendance. VERY excited for that. Is there a greater feeling than impressing and pleasing people who are so close to you? Definitely up there.

This could be fun...