That Brick Wall

Hello Friends...

How is your spring break goin? Hope its everything you wanted it to be.

But ya know I think I am gettin' to a point that I didn't want or think I get to. I am just not doin' that well. Still just feeling a little low at times. I believe I am getting farther and farther away from Elena. But still not quite there. But I have also thought about somethin' else. It's not necessarily Elena, I just think its a case of depression. The levels in my brain just aren't where they are suppose to be. Life still feels like something is just different. There is something in my mind that is just makin' it feel...odd. Just something isn't right. Almost like I forgot to do something. I just don't know what. Its almost like I feel sick. My body isn't functioning quite right. But what do I do? I could talk to McFall but I have talked to that man about so much shit that I think I have burned him out. Do I talk to my Mom? I could. But my mom is just that no non-sense kind of woman. She would just tell me to buck up and move on. And that doesn't necessarily help. Do I talk to Alan? I think Alan could help but him and I just aren't on that level friendship where he can give me advice to live by. He might just agree with me and tell me he knows how that feels. Don't get me wrong. I love Alan to death. I just don't think he can help me with what I need. I have gone on multiple trips. Got out of Ames. Detroit. St. Paul. St. Louis. I've gone many many places. And they are all great. But still at the end of the day when everything is said and done, I still feel low. I am almost mad at myself.

Courtney and McFall told me I have to be happy with myself before I find a girl. Which I see. But am I ever gonna be happy again? Because I am doing what I want to do. I don't have to worry about panic or anxiety attacks about Elena anymore. Which is one of the biggest weights off my shoulders, but why am I still low? I just don't feel like any girl thinks highly of me in a friendship AND relationship kind of way.

I mean Steph is asking where her "prince" is. She deserves a prince. A guy who gives her everything she gives him. I know her. She really does. I know how she treats her guys. But can I not be that prince? After having someone like Elena for so long, I see what I did wrong, things I can do better, and things that I will constantly do. Do any girls see me as someone worth being with? Maybe not here. Maybe once I get out of ISU and move maybe I can find that girl. I remember telling Courtney that I wanted to show a girl what I have to give. But she was right, I have to be happy with myself first before I find a girl.

I think I gotta have a chat with the Doc and see if there is anything we can do. But now a days I'll pop Nyquil and a Xanex just so I can relax and not think so much. My mind just constantly thinks. And it really is exhausting mentally.

Heres to you all with all the help you have givin' me. But here is also to hopin' that I can get through this brick wall in my mind!

One love

Bob Dylan - Blowin' In the Wind

J13