Waiting for the End

Ok folks. Grab a fucking seat. I am about to fucking lose it.
Im standing outside on my balcony smoking a cig. trying to calm myself down. Wind is blasting. Snow is flying. The temperature is flying below negative and the only problem I am having is that I can't fucking handle it. I can't take this anymore. I am so fucking stressed out. For multiple fucking reasons. Cutting ties with someone after 5 and a half years. I am just a little wound right now and I am the only person to that can really help myself. Yes I have help. Berg. Julianne. McFall. Alan. Mom. Dad. I have them. I do. But right now I am the only one. I have to be strong and help myself. But for fucks sake people there are some things in this fucking world that just ARENT FUCKING HELPING ME!!!! Life is so difficult. Life is a game. And you have to play. You have to play the game with the cards your dealt.

Elena - Messages, emails. Ties cut? Yes? No? What is it. Hospital bills that are over a fucking grand!?!?! Because your drunk friends call the cops on me and you email me 4 or 5 fucking days later telling me you dont know what I'm mad about? Are you fucking kidding? You truly are making my life harder. I am already trying to live a life that I haven't lived since highschool. Sophmore year of high school. I am stressed. I miss you. I can't/don't wanna see what your doing. Who your with. What your doing. You have this blog. You have the privalege to read this whenever you want. I don't have that!

Berg - What can I say? How you and I have been good friends in a short amount of time is crazy. Your a very kind person and awesome to hang out with you and Jordan. The relationship you and Jordan have truly makes me jealous. The way you treat him is awesome. Grabbing his hand. Rubbing his hand. Wanting to see him so badly at times. Really makes a guy jealous. I know how much you care for him and I know how much he cares for you. Crazy. Hope all the best for you and him.

Julianne -  Boo Boo you have been a lot of help. You talk to me when I need someone to talk to. Your always there. It's great. Having a friend like you. I just wish you would show how happy you are sometimes. I don't doubt that your happy at all. I just wish I could feel that more often. You are so much fun to be around and a blast to hang out with. Thanks for everything. (Hope ballroom is turning out well!)

McFall - Man where do I begin? I truly can call you a friend for life. Your personality. Your attitude towards life. Everything about ya is respectable. You have been there since day one. You have helped me when I needed ya and the advice you have given me is so right and so down to earth. Its crazy. I want to live in my fantasy world where I can always be happy and you snap me out of it everytime because you know its not a good thing to live in fantasy. You understand some of the things I am going through and honestly everything you have told me is so true and so right. It's crazy man. I honestly think I would be in much deeper trouble without ya man. You really inspire me to do what I want and do what I love and don't give a fuck about anyone else. Cocktail party in St. Paul is gonna be unreal. Can't wait man.

To the girl I am thinking of right now - You text me and tell me how you have feelings for me. You tell me how badly you wanna kiss me. You tell me that you are avoidant and try and stay away from me so you can "numb" these feelings. Why? Why numb feelings like that? I know how happy I can make ya. You say your on a break with Ty. Are ya? Why play? Why be difficult? If we live in a world where you need to numb feelings, then why are we here? No one should ever have to numb feelings. Ever.

I can't keeping taking nyquil and a sleeping pill to knock me out. Because I am only just gonna dream of Elena. I can't keep watching Mad Men to try and take my mind off of things. I only have class a few hours a day. When I have classes I am happy. I am with my friends. I have things to do. But that doesn't go from dawn till dusk. What can I do?

I knew this was going to come. I am stressed. It really is going through withdrawl from a drug. A drug that I was addicted to for 5+ years. And now I am going through cold turkey. I am stressing. I am pissed. I have a short fuse. What should I do?

I am going to continue to be the guy I think I should be. I am going to the kindest, most genuine guy I can be. Because thats what right. That's how my mom raised me. I am going to treat bitches right...(right McFall?)

I would like to tell what my dad sent me a few days ago, my dad said have a good day and I replied with "Ill try" and this is what he said back: "Don't try. Just do. And smile. Your mother and I love you very much. And want nothing but the best for you. Remember you deserve to be happy." I literally teared up reading that. Think thats cheesy? Think thats retarded? Fuck you! Thats life! That is a father who loves his son with all his heart. I'm not saying you don't have a father who doesn't love you but you would feel the same way if he said that to you.

Please do me a favor. Please listen to the song "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park. Especially you Elena. Find a video that has the lyrics with it. And watch it. Don't want to? Then fuck off. This really goes for everyone else. Do it. If not? Fuck off. this song is really hitting me hard. Listen to it. You'll be glad you did.

Ok well I will wake up in the morning...

J13







Need this St. Paul trip REAL bad. Work with me weather.