Where Do Nice Guys Actually Finish?

Hello Friends....

I love my parents. I love my parents with all the power I have in my heart. I would do anything for them. I try my hardest for them. I be the best person I can be for them. I stand here today saying that the only reason why I am not dead is because of my parents. I hugged my mom and as she started to tear up she asked me.."Just promise me you won't hurt yourself." I replied with..."Ok mom I won't." My father and I were sitting in our driveway. My wounds still severely severely new. The first words out of his mouth as he started to break down was "Well if I could take your pain away, I would." I couldn't help but just break down with him and say "Yeah I know pops." The only reason why there are cuts in my wrists, a bullet in my brain, or pills in my system, is because of my parents and brother. I promised my mom that I wouldn't. And then you have people like Zach McFall. McFall has ALWAYS been there no matter what happened. I ask him questions about Steph. I asked him questions about Elena. I ask him questions about life. Because at this point I have no clue how to live my life. If I need someone to talk to, he's there. If I need someone to hang out with, he's there. If I need to go to the bar to keep my buzz going, he's there.  Last week he wrote a post that I truly believe was one of the greatest pieces of writing I have ever read. He specifically told me that I need to read it. I remember saying to him right after I read it and said that is who I am trying to be. That was the person I have tried to and try to be each and every single day. McFall then started to tell me to quit being a bitch. I was confused. He responded by saying, you are a good guy. He said he has known that I was a great guy since the day he met me. I want to believe I am good guy. I believe I am a good guy. I try to be. But a few certain people believe that neither I nor Zach is a good person. Why? Is he wrong? Am I wrong?

On the ride home from the KFC, I thought about some stuff. There was a voice inside me telling me that I just gotta be myself. I gotta do things myself for myself. I gotta take one day at time by myself. Does Steph have to be with me at the bars? Do we need lots of people to come with us? Do I need talk to someone if I am having troubles? I just gotta be myself. Think about things for myself. I have some hopes. I have some big hopes. But trying too hard can sometimes hurt some of those hopes. I am gonna take my Xanax. Take my Zoloft. And continue to make life the best it can be. I will always have my family. I will till the day I die. I like to believe that McFall will always be there. But I have to take a Xanax so that I will try not to dream about how Elena fucked some guy? Or that I have no place being here. I have no one else here. I need outside help to live my life. And that makes me feel like I am weak. That I just have to much baggage. Well I haven't cut myself. I haven't put a gun in my mouth. I haven't ODed on pills. I haven't. And now I am going to think about things just for myself. I text Steph about how I hoped she had a great time. But then the convo just....stops.....well Jake. Just close the phone, and wake up the next day.

You know I ain't perfect, but you'll like me to try
And just like the devil who wants me to lie
Till I die
Lord why is it that, that I go through so much pain
All I saw was black and all I felt was rain
I come to you because it's you that knows
To show me that everything is black
Because me eyes were closed
You give me the light and let me bask in your glory
So it was only right that when you ask for this story
I put together to do all dogs some good


Father please walk with us through the bad times as well as the good, may we be heard and understood from the suburbs to the hood
May you judge us by our hearts and not by our mistakes, and see that we get a breakthrough however long that it takes
Lord you take care of fools and babies, you teach women to honor their men, and men respect their ladies, but lately, so many of us have gone astray, doing wrong for so long that we’ve forgotten the way

DMX

My birthday will be coming up. I asked Steph if she would do me the pleasure of joining me at a musical in Des Moines. She responded by saying yes with a smiley face. It made me feel great. I really am happy she can join me. And then I asked Steph to be my +1 at my brother's wedding in August. My date really means alot to me. This is the only wedding in my nuclear family besides for my own. I am the best man at my brother's wedding. This means alot to me. I hope she knows that. I believe she does and I believe she will be the best date someone could ask for.

Franky Morales - She Killin' It

J(.33)

They go up and down...like strippers booties go!

Hello friends...

I am sitting here. In the kitchen and I thought to myself..."Self! Why do you have split personalities all the time?" Seriously, yesterday I had a rough rough day. My thoughts were rough, my conscience was attacking me, and it just wasn't a good day...But today, today was a good day. I was happy. Cheerful. My old talkitive self. Having great conversations with Mr. McFall and Jordain. I just wish I knew why my emotions change so quickly. Why do I just not wanna see a single face and then when I talk to Neske, I just can't help but be goofy. Why? Is it bad? Do girls find that unattractive? I try my hardest just to keep it in so that it doesn't effect or bother anyone else. I don't think I am very good at hiding it but idk. I mean yesterday things were hurtin' a little bit but the Steph said she would come out with me! I was so pumped! I've wanted to go out with this girl for a long long time. I remember back in highschool how happy she made me feel. She treated me like a king. She treated me like I meant something to her. It made me feel great. I wish I had that now really. But I think I messed it up. Fuck me :-/

Well its almost 5 pm. and I have to get ready to make social hour orderves (no I don't feel like spelling that right...)

I love you all.
Dear women of ISU. You all are very gorgeous. I mean it.

Snoop Dogg - Boom (<---thats fire! just ask McFall)

Need it to be Thursday...

J uno tres

That Brick Wall

Hello Friends...

How is your spring break goin? Hope its everything you wanted it to be.

But ya know I think I am gettin' to a point that I didn't want or think I get to. I am just not doin' that well. Still just feeling a little low at times. I believe I am getting farther and farther away from Elena. But still not quite there. But I have also thought about somethin' else. It's not necessarily Elena, I just think its a case of depression. The levels in my brain just aren't where they are suppose to be. Life still feels like something is just different. There is something in my mind that is just makin' it feel...odd. Just something isn't right. Almost like I forgot to do something. I just don't know what. Its almost like I feel sick. My body isn't functioning quite right. But what do I do? I could talk to McFall but I have talked to that man about so much shit that I think I have burned him out. Do I talk to my Mom? I could. But my mom is just that no non-sense kind of woman. She would just tell me to buck up and move on. And that doesn't necessarily help. Do I talk to Alan? I think Alan could help but him and I just aren't on that level friendship where he can give me advice to live by. He might just agree with me and tell me he knows how that feels. Don't get me wrong. I love Alan to death. I just don't think he can help me with what I need. I have gone on multiple trips. Got out of Ames. Detroit. St. Paul. St. Louis. I've gone many many places. And they are all great. But still at the end of the day when everything is said and done, I still feel low. I am almost mad at myself.

Courtney and McFall told me I have to be happy with myself before I find a girl. Which I see. But am I ever gonna be happy again? Because I am doing what I want to do. I don't have to worry about panic or anxiety attacks about Elena anymore. Which is one of the biggest weights off my shoulders, but why am I still low? I just don't feel like any girl thinks highly of me in a friendship AND relationship kind of way.

I mean Steph is asking where her "prince" is. She deserves a prince. A guy who gives her everything she gives him. I know her. She really does. I know how she treats her guys. But can I not be that prince? After having someone like Elena for so long, I see what I did wrong, things I can do better, and things that I will constantly do. Do any girls see me as someone worth being with? Maybe not here. Maybe once I get out of ISU and move maybe I can find that girl. I remember telling Courtney that I wanted to show a girl what I have to give. But she was right, I have to be happy with myself first before I find a girl.

I think I gotta have a chat with the Doc and see if there is anything we can do. But now a days I'll pop Nyquil and a Xanex just so I can relax and not think so much. My mind just constantly thinks. And it really is exhausting mentally.

Heres to you all with all the help you have givin' me. But here is also to hopin' that I can get through this brick wall in my mind!

One love

Bob Dylan - Blowin' In the Wind

J13

Lay Me Down

Hello friends...

I have been talking Courtney (the girl I hung out with when I went home) and she has just been a Godsend. She has just been helpful and a great friend. She just keeps reiterating that I just have to make myself happy. And after listening to McFall and her same the same thing I just have to do that. I have to do things that make me happy. I have to be happy with myself. I thought I was happy with myself but that just isn't true. Haven't been eating much. Been very tired. Just feelin' pretty low! Thankfully she texted me first and we have just been chatting. It makes me feel good. She has let me talk about ALL my problems and thoughts and she has helped me. Even though she is going through a very rough patch in her own life. Man I missed this girl! Good thing she is comin' over for VEISHEA! Get up!

So I was thinkin' about what is the best way to be happy? Make myself happy? Be happy with myself? Well first I had to find some good music. And I found the perfect song. A song that I seriously listen to over and over again because it has the power to just relax me. Calm my mind down. Lay Me Down by the Dirty Heads. God this song is just so great. It just hits the spot! It makes me happy. So chill. So relaxed. It tells me a story that I listen to over and over again. The beat, the tempo, the voices. Its just such a great song that can put me in a great mood.

Baby you can lay me down....

Dirty Heads - Lay Me Down

7!E

What is it like inside?...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear. 

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got... 

J 13

Waiting for the End

Linkin Park

Bentley

Hello Friends...

Well I guess it has been sometime since I have written anything...
Well I was outside for my traditional Sunday evening smoke. And I just thought about somethings that maybe I will write about.

Went home this weekend. Man that was relaxing. Just staying home. Hanging out with Mom and Dad. Watching TV. Putting new skins on my skates! Excellent! I just always am surprised at how great my parents are. So kind. So genuine. So relaxing to be around. Not worrying about what I am going to do. Just staying home and relaxing. Not having to worry about calling anyone. Just enjoy the company of my parents. Definitely what I needed. I also went and hung out with a good good friend of mine that I used to work with. She is so much fun to hang out with. She is funny, bubbly, and always a great person to chat with. She has a few dogs who are all characters and also alot of fun to hang out with. She unfortunately just broke up with her boyfriend so she was a little down in the dumps but hopefully I was able to cheer her up and make her smile.

I was thinkin' about things on the drive home as well. I kind of think that I am oblivious to life. I just don't think I get it. I thought I understood it. But sometimes I still feel low and almost anxious. Almost scared that some people really don't care for who I am. I am afraid that people think I am too loud and obnoxious to be around. Is that true? It might be. I might show too much emotion. I might say too much. I might talk too much. I hate feeling that I am doing something wrong. Or I am the kind of person that people really don't like being around. But I always thought that I was suppose to worry about myself and myself only but doesn't that make me selfish? I always thought I should be whoever I was hanging with wants me to be. I try to be kind and sincere to women. I try and relate and chat with guys. But why do I still feel like I am just not getting it? Maybe after hitting a low of lows, I think I got such a swing of reality that now I view life differently. Do I piss everyone off? hahaha I think I do.

My Montre shades got here tonight! I was really really excited to get those and rock them out! AMall also put in another 5 dollar gift certificate so I think its the Valo4Life dvd next! Hahahaha!

Still need a date to my brother's wedding. Hopefully I can find a great girl.. We will see what tomorrow brings!

Night guys
Jay13

ps. Hey Elena, if you still read my blog (which I kinda doubt you do...) but if you do, go onto YouTube and look up the song "Youtopia" by Armin Van Buuren. Recognize the voice?...

Youtopia - Armin Van Buuren

Baby its BITTERcold outside!

Hello friends...

If only words could describe my weekend. Leaving at 6 am on thursday to head to D-Town! Good ol' Detroit Michigan for THE Bittercold Showdown XI 2011!!! I guess the only way I can describe it was just wow. I was in awe literally the entire weekend. Rollerblading has seriously made a huge impact on my life. Robbie has opened a door in my life that has just changed things. Getting into Detroit (a place that I have never been) and going into Modern Skate Park in Royal Oak Michigan. Seeing all the pros of rollerblading. The Shaun White or Tony Hawk of pro rollerblading! Haffey! Morales! Shima! Aragon! Broskow! Sizemore! Bah! Farmer! Montre! Jon Jon! I was just fucking star struck! These guys that I watch videos of, or read articles on are right in front of me! I couldn't believe it. Adam was saying "Dude they are just people. Like you and I." And although he is right, these guys are people I look up to. People I truly admire for their talent that mostly goes unnoticed by the people of this world. I just couldn't believe these guys were right in front of me! Not to mention that Robbie's brother made a flight from Miami to come with us. Let me tell you. That is one cool cat. He is polite, funny, and is just an all around great guy to be around. He was my session partner. Him and I skated a lot together. It was fucking awesome. I can't skate with Robbie, or Adam. They do shit I can't do. Where as Thom could skate with me. It was just such a great weekend. Seeing team Valo or Rollerblade or even my personal favorite Razors baby! It was just so fucking surreal! The trade show. Spending money on t-shirts, wheels, bearings, and decals! It was just so fucking awesome. Watching Aragon try a 630 back royale on the A-Frame or Cudot locking a full cab soul grind on the Gnar bar. Just so fucking amazing. Great park. Great people. Great parties. Great atmosphere. So freaking cool.

I was on facebook and saw a girl from back home have a status that talked about telling guys to "fucking show some emotion..." and I was INSTANTLY attracted. She told me to call her when I come home and I am actually going home this weekend most likely so I am interested to see how she is doing and catch up with her. But when I read that status of her saying that she wanted a guy to show her some emotion it just instantly attracted me. It made me realize that I have things that I am looking for. A girl looking for emotion and hopefully show emotion back. I want that. BAD!!!

To the girl who is emotionally struggling. I still hope the best for you. I am still attracted to you but realize now just isn't the time. If your not attracted to me okay. I can cope with that. But I just really want to help you. I wanna be there for you. You obviously are struggling. But when I ask you just say "I'm Ok".....(0_o).......I don't think that is true. And I always thought just screaming and shouting, ranting and venting is just a great way to help. And I will GLADLY be your punching bag. But I DO know what its like not wanting to talk about what your going through. I just wish I could help you. Hang in there. No matter what, you WILL wake up the next morning. Just remember that. I am here.

Ya know its kind of funny because I have quite a few other thoughts going through my head....but....people I know read this blog. But should I say some of these things? I mean that is the point of this blog right? To speak your mind? But if I do I might be an asshole....and I don't want that....honestly....I am trying to become a better person. Nah maybe I'll just keep them to myself....ponder them myself. Maybe tell McFall? Idk maybe. Guess we will just have to see.

Well I thought I was gonna have a great post but this one is not one of my bests...I don't even have a song....FUCK!

Sublime - The Wrong Way

J13

Life After Love

Hello Friends...

I was thinking about some things today. One of the biggest things I was thinkin' about was why do I try and live life to find love? It almost bugs me really. Sometimes there are times where I am so tired of life because I don't have that girl to come home to. To cuddle with. To kiss. Or even just to talk to. And because of that fact I really get down on life. But that isn't what life is all about. There are so many other experiences in life to live but just finding a girl to love means so much to me. And that makes me a little mad at myself. Can anyone possibly tell me why I feel that way? Why do I get so down on life if I don't have that girl to love? What sucks the most is sometimes that ruins some of the things that happen in my life. I think you know who I am talkin' about. Yes you.

I see your posts, I know what is going on in your life. I can tell things are rough in your life. And I hope you know that I am always here to talk. I wish you would talk to me but I understand things are really rough right now. I just wanna make you happy. Make you happy with ways done by me. I want to treat you the way you should be treated. But I just can't. I have to sit back and wait. And that's okay. I just wish sometimes. I just wish sometimes you would come to me so I can help ya out. But I understand things are rough. Hope you get through it and hope your ready for your party. I am gonna try to make it unforgettable for you.

Is it bad to take life one day at a time? Some people might say, no, but sometimes it just doesn't seem right to live that way. Sometimes I feel like people should enjoy life so much that it doesn't seem like day by day but perhaps just one looooong day. Crazy? Yeah hahaha maybe.

Today a good good friend of mine wrote a note on the f'book today about finding out who you truly are. The person you should be. The person you wanna be. A person not affected by other's actions. But rather a person who does what he or she wants because she is free to do so. (Now granted he starts getting into materialism and the government) but I was happy to read that. Because I am kind of in that same spot. I am still trying to figure out who I am. But sometimes I feel like I have to do things so I can please other people. Is that right? Is it bad that I wanna text this girl but don't because I want to give her space and hope that maybe she would text me? I feel like if I texted her I would scare her away because of what I said (because I have done so once...) but what do I do? I feel so shitty just sitting back. I don't wanna sit back. I wanna be there for you. For people. Because thats who I AM.

Is there a hot blonde out there that is a queen in the streets and a freak in the sheets? A girl who loves to have fun and loves me for who I am? A girl that wants to be with me and will show her emotions? Well after this blog.....not anywhere near here no... Is there a girl that can give me that look that just makes me almost light headed? A girl that will be spontaneous and live every experience she can? I can only get on my knees and pray.

Well Lupe said it the best....The show goes on

Bittercold Showdown XI - Thursday - Detroit - So pumped...

Lupe - The Show Goes On

Find me. Come to me. Help me. Please exist.

jay one three

When the curtains are pulled back!

Hello friends...

These past couple days I have learned to live life in a COMPLETELY different way than what I was used to. It's weird. It's like I have to re-discover myself. I feel a little uncomfortable and uneasy but I know that as time passes on it will just fall into place. I encounter different situations that I just don't know how to approach them and how I should take them on. What do I do? Who am I dealing with? What do I say? WHAT?! What am I suppose to be?

To the girl who has had things devastate her life as of recently. I wanna say I know what your going through. I wanna say I have been there. But if I do your gonna think im self centered....oh wait....you already do....you specifically told me why I can't get girls. You told me that I am an asshole, jerk, and self-centered. I have openly said that I like you....a lot. But you call me a "friend". So once again I ask. What do I do? Anything? Nope. Just live my life. Not gonna text you. Won't message you. Just let life happen. Leave you alone. And if you come to me? Well I would be happy. Pretty damn happy. But I will let fate decide what the hell happens. Because sometimes the best thing to do is.......well nothing. Do nothing. Hows that for pressing too hard?

I told McFall what I wanted. It's simple. One thing. Just one little thing. Will I get it? Man I hope so. Cuz I need one.......bad

Today I watched a video. I am not going to tell you what it was of. I am not going to tell you who was in it. But when I watched this video I proved to myself that the statement I made last night is true. No the video wasn't porn. Get your damn mind out of the gutter. But this girl just did one little thing. One little thing that just made my get weak at the knees and fall. Hard. Man. I just want to find that girl who can trigger than same reaction to me in real life. Does anyone else have these feelings? They are the best. When someone does something so small but makes your jaw drop and say FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Happens to me alot. Unfortunately they don't happen TOWARDS me. But if I can get a girl to just do that once, I'd be a very happy boy.

Fuck this blog is working out well.

So what do I do next? Nothing? Ok.....

Well here I sit!

Bloody Beetroots - Rombo

J13

Look

Hello again friends...

I take that back. I am going to try my hardest to redeem for my last post.

I just have one question. Do guys have this same feeling? This feeling that girls sometimes can do the smallest things that just knock guys on their ass? Sometimes girls just can look at you and it just hits you like a smack in the? Whether a girl looks up at you and smiles, or she puts her hair behind her hair. A girl can look you deep in the eyes and smile and it just makes me lose myself for a minute. Do girls know these looks? Do guys have this happen to them as well? There are just some girls out there that can do a certain thing that just makes your jaw drop. Happens to me.

Preach that

Bob Marley - One Love

Night
J13

Relax

Hello Friends...

I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day. Everyone says this is a crock of shit kind of holiday but ya know its around and it ain't goin no where! Went to a bistro in Story City with Kim. The food was excellent! Good atmosphere. Kim got me a sick cookbook! The whole date led to me going to class with no backpack but a kick ass cook book. So throughout my two classes I learned how to make various soups, salads, and entrees. Thanks Kim! :-P

On another note Mike "Murda" Johnson retired from professional rollerblading today. I was legitimately depressed. My favorite skater from my favorite team retired. Bummer. I know. I guess no one knows who he is. Look him up on YouTube for some of his edits. You'll be glad you did. I was hoping he would be at the Bitter Cold Showdown here in a couple weeks but I don't think he is going to be there. Which sucks even more. Oh well. It will still be a great time when I head to Royal Oak MI WITH MY FRIENDS WHEN WE GO OUT!!! Im still really sore from yesterdays session. My legs are jello and my elbow is STILL on fire. Gonna have to stretch my legs out. Unfortunately I'm not very good at that but I will manage!!!

I have an interview with Holiday Inn tomorrow which I am really excited about. I love making impressions and BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS!!! Hopefully I can wow the interviewer and hopefully get a great job!

My mom is the greatest. I know I have said that before but I just wanted to re-iterate that! She is still helpin' me out to become the "new" me.

I think I have more to say (actually I have MUCH more to say) but it's prolly better that I just keep some of these thoughts and feelings to myself. (Thanks for the advice Mr. McFall!)

Fuck this blog is awful...(sorry to let you down on the first one Neske!) hahahaha

Don't look your way? Ok. Not hard at all....

Eric Prydz - Call On Me

A wise man once said....."Thanks for having your daily dose with me!"

J13   BITCH!

When is Enough, Enough?

Hello friends....

I wish I knew how to start this. I feel like all of these blogs are just me screaming about something. But is that the point of blogs? It might not be. Im not really sure. I am just sick and tired of being lied to. Disrespected. Brought down. Just torn apart. Why?

Why do I need to be told why I can't get any girls? Why do I need to be called an asshole? A jerk. Be told that I kick girls while their down. Why do I need to be lied to? Why do I need to be cheated on? Why does a girl need to break my heart and have a one night stand with a guy she met that day within the same month? Do I really deserve that? If I do then why should I be here? Why should I be part of this? Why do I need to feel like I treat girls with nothing but disrespect? I just dont see why.

Guess this is just another speed bump. I'll get past it. I am still alive aren't I?

Steph and Elena.....Go fuck yourselves....hahahaha

Breathe Carolina - The Birds and the Bees
J13

Serenity

Hello Friends...

Lately I have been complaining about how I just can't quite figure life. I still kinda think that life is a game and you have been given a hand and you have to play with what your dealt. You can't cheat. You can't lie. You can't "fix" the game. It is just not possible.

Tonight I called my momma. God she is incredible. I love her to death. Today I told her I just messed up. I was stressed about things. Things that were bothering me. I couldn't figure out what was "right". I couldn't find me! I didn't know who I was. Then my mom said something that just made a lot of sense to me yet it was just so simple. She said "why worry? You can't change whats going to happen. Take life as it comes to you. Let the universe do the work. Just sit back and let it come to you." I just love my mom so much. She understands who I am. But she will also give me a slap and tell me to snap out of it. But the best part of our conversation was when she asked me if I have heard the "Serenity prayer." I told her no. So she stopped what she was doing and went to the computer to read it to me. Here is what it is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I believe that is just such a strong prayer and it is so right. Now idk what religion my followers are but I just want you to respect mine as I will respect yours. But the craziest thing was when my mom was reading me this, she started crying. She started to cry. She couldn't finish the prayer with dry eyes. This prayer touched her that much. It really hit me. I really hope that this prayer has touched you like it did mean. Just the words are so true. 

Talkin' to my mom really put me on a path that I should be on. I am just gonna live life for me. Let things come to me and especially just be patient. I am very impatient but I just have to work on that. Because it will come. She will come to me. The one will come to me. 

Refreshing eh?  

I hope I can find this new me and be the way I was before...

Hey Kim! Welcome to the Show! ;-) Hope your ready for an awesome date! I am excited for it!

It Ain't Me Babe - Bob Dylan

Night guys
J13 

SlumDOGG

Hello Friends...

I have a question. Do I not get life? Am I missing something? Do I see life as something that isn't real? Or true? Am I truly a bad person when I think I am not? I have heard a lot people say "Jake, you deserve better." Or that I am a nice guy and some girls would be lucky to have me. And for those people who have said ANYTHING relatively similar to that I want to thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you. I think those people know who they are.

But if I deserve better, why haven't I gotten it? Why do I get some of the things I get in this world? Am I suppose to be grateful? Am I suppose to see my life as perfect and always have a smile on my face? (I honestly might be suppose to. I honest to God don't know) Am I selfish prick who thinks to highly for himself? (I honestly might be. I just need someone to tell me!)

I try everyday of my life to look as handsome and look like this is my last day on earth. I try to look appealing to people, especially girls. If I put product in my hair, I don't wear a hat. I won't wear a stocking cap in 10 degree weather. I will always wear jeans. I hate wearing sweatpants in public. I feel sluggish. I feel like a dirtbag. (no offense to people who do wear them in public) I wear cologne. I NEVER go out in public with bed head or hat hair. Ever. Because I believe I look unattractive. I just try really hard to look pleasing.

Am I just crazy? Do I think about things too hard? Do I expect to much? Please. I just want someone to tell me. Is there a truth? Or is it all just opinions? Fuck I really have no idea. Do I look attractive to girls? Do I think too hard? Am I too dramatic? Can I be myself? Can anyone actually handle me being myself?

I just don't know. Is there a truth?

Wow this blog was fucking worthless. I apologize for this garbage of a post...

The Suit - Just Dance

J13

Wonderwall

Hello friends...

Got back from the cocktail party in good ol' St. Paul. Its a great time and a great city filled with great people. Alan is thinking that after I graduate which I must say isn't the worst idea I have had. I dealt with someone nagging about the cold. Nagging about the snow. Believed that Florida was God's gift to this world. But why? That's why they make coats. Hats. Gloves. I can handle it. St. Paul really is a great town. Hopefully somethin' can work out.

But what would this world be if there was no drama! Ha! Well it didn't involve me so I guess that is a little better. But it is between two of my good friends. And I was helping her out. I was trying to help her out with her "situation." But what is so crazy is I am telling her things that I was told myself and I just didn't want to believe them. But here I go just spitting it all back to her. Just thought that was pretty interesting. It felt interesting.

This year's cocktail party had $400+ worth of liquor and almost $70 worth of mixers. Good time. Good people. Good memories.

Hopefully my Valentines Day date is still on. I keep throwing myself off but McFall is keepin' your boy on the ground. He's helpin' me out. And for that once again I am grateful.

Takin' it one day at a time, and always remembering, I'll wake up in the morning.

Have a good night everyone

Wonderwall - Oasis

J13

P.S. - Julianne, you don't need to take comments like being up tight or not smiling enough so personally. Your a beautiful girl with that...I guess spunk is the first word that comes to mind. If your happy, than that's good enough. We all just like seein' you smile!

Waiting for the End

Ok folks. Grab a fucking seat. I am about to fucking lose it.
Im standing outside on my balcony smoking a cig. trying to calm myself down. Wind is blasting. Snow is flying. The temperature is flying below negative and the only problem I am having is that I can't fucking handle it. I can't take this anymore. I am so fucking stressed out. For multiple fucking reasons. Cutting ties with someone after 5 and a half years. I am just a little wound right now and I am the only person to that can really help myself. Yes I have help. Berg. Julianne. McFall. Alan. Mom. Dad. I have them. I do. But right now I am the only one. I have to be strong and help myself. But for fucks sake people there are some things in this fucking world that just ARENT FUCKING HELPING ME!!!! Life is so difficult. Life is a game. And you have to play. You have to play the game with the cards your dealt.

Elena - Messages, emails. Ties cut? Yes? No? What is it. Hospital bills that are over a fucking grand!?!?! Because your drunk friends call the cops on me and you email me 4 or 5 fucking days later telling me you dont know what I'm mad about? Are you fucking kidding? You truly are making my life harder. I am already trying to live a life that I haven't lived since highschool. Sophmore year of high school. I am stressed. I miss you. I can't/don't wanna see what your doing. Who your with. What your doing. You have this blog. You have the privalege to read this whenever you want. I don't have that!

Berg - What can I say? How you and I have been good friends in a short amount of time is crazy. Your a very kind person and awesome to hang out with you and Jordan. The relationship you and Jordan have truly makes me jealous. The way you treat him is awesome. Grabbing his hand. Rubbing his hand. Wanting to see him so badly at times. Really makes a guy jealous. I know how much you care for him and I know how much he cares for you. Crazy. Hope all the best for you and him.

Julianne -  Boo Boo you have been a lot of help. You talk to me when I need someone to talk to. Your always there. It's great. Having a friend like you. I just wish you would show how happy you are sometimes. I don't doubt that your happy at all. I just wish I could feel that more often. You are so much fun to be around and a blast to hang out with. Thanks for everything. (Hope ballroom is turning out well!)

McFall - Man where do I begin? I truly can call you a friend for life. Your personality. Your attitude towards life. Everything about ya is respectable. You have been there since day one. You have helped me when I needed ya and the advice you have given me is so right and so down to earth. Its crazy. I want to live in my fantasy world where I can always be happy and you snap me out of it everytime because you know its not a good thing to live in fantasy. You understand some of the things I am going through and honestly everything you have told me is so true and so right. It's crazy man. I honestly think I would be in much deeper trouble without ya man. You really inspire me to do what I want and do what I love and don't give a fuck about anyone else. Cocktail party in St. Paul is gonna be unreal. Can't wait man.

To the girl I am thinking of right now - You text me and tell me how you have feelings for me. You tell me how badly you wanna kiss me. You tell me that you are avoidant and try and stay away from me so you can "numb" these feelings. Why? Why numb feelings like that? I know how happy I can make ya. You say your on a break with Ty. Are ya? Why play? Why be difficult? If we live in a world where you need to numb feelings, then why are we here? No one should ever have to numb feelings. Ever.

I can't keeping taking nyquil and a sleeping pill to knock me out. Because I am only just gonna dream of Elena. I can't keep watching Mad Men to try and take my mind off of things. I only have class a few hours a day. When I have classes I am happy. I am with my friends. I have things to do. But that doesn't go from dawn till dusk. What can I do?

I knew this was going to come. I am stressed. It really is going through withdrawl from a drug. A drug that I was addicted to for 5+ years. And now I am going through cold turkey. I am stressing. I am pissed. I have a short fuse. What should I do?

I am going to continue to be the guy I think I should be. I am going to the kindest, most genuine guy I can be. Because thats what right. That's how my mom raised me. I am going to treat bitches right...(right McFall?)

I would like to tell what my dad sent me a few days ago, my dad said have a good day and I replied with "Ill try" and this is what he said back: "Don't try. Just do. And smile. Your mother and I love you very much. And want nothing but the best for you. Remember you deserve to be happy." I literally teared up reading that. Think thats cheesy? Think thats retarded? Fuck you! Thats life! That is a father who loves his son with all his heart. I'm not saying you don't have a father who doesn't love you but you would feel the same way if he said that to you.

Please do me a favor. Please listen to the song "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park. Especially you Elena. Find a video that has the lyrics with it. And watch it. Don't want to? Then fuck off. This really goes for everyone else. Do it. If not? Fuck off. this song is really hitting me hard. Listen to it. You'll be glad you did.

Ok well I will wake up in the morning...

J13







Need this St. Paul trip REAL bad. Work with me weather.

Withdrawl

Hello Friends...

I guess I am the only one now that likes to blog! haha

Had lunch with Mom, Dad, Brant and Lydia. We went to Olde Main. It was very good. Brant and Lydia are doing great planning their wedding. They already have a DJ, recpetion area, wedding area, food, etc. Pretty crazy. I am very excited for that day. It will definitely be a great memory. Unfortunately I don't have a date yet. I don't know how I am gonna find one. I hope I can find one though. I want to find a girl who is gorgeous and so much fun. A girl who doesn't worry about not knowing any of my family, or feeling awkward. Just a girl who is happy to live the experience with me. Have her know that that day means alot to me too seeing as how this is my only sibling. I really hope I can find her. She exist?

I gave mom the ER bills. I can't believe I have her as a mother. Her reaction to the bills just astounded me really. She didn't get mad. She didn't scream or didn't yell. I mean she was too happy but she didn't have a heart attack...Very surprising seeing as how it was over a thousand dollars. I'm a very lucky son. Then to put a cherry on top, her and dad gave me a stuffed teddy bear to cuddle with because they were sorry that I couldn't get Oreo. I almost teared up...(don't judge me) I just thought it was such an awesome thing for them to do. I am definitely a lucky son...

Heard that the weather was gonna get shitty soon which would really really blow because I have been extremely stressed lately about somethings. And one thing I really need is a trip to St. Paul. Cocktail parties are the best. Gettin to dress up. Do some drinking. See some gorgeous women. Have a great time. Take my mind off of things. It's just really what I need. And the fact that McFall is comin' just makes it that much more awesome.

Still feelin' a little depressed unfortunately. Last night I had a really really really bad dream involving Elena and some of her friends and also a girl who I had a pretty big crush on in high school. It really really hit me hard this morning. When you wake up and realize that everything you just went through mentally is all fiction. Just made things that much more stressful. Even when I take my sleeping pill I still dream about her and it does nothing but cause me stress. Think I'm gonna skate Tuesday. Really hope that can help alleviate some of that stress. Knowing I don't talk to her yet she can still read this. Makes it a little harder for me. But I have built some strength. Just gotta use it. Plus it has helped having people like McFall and Julianne to talk to. Especially Julianne cuz that poor girl will sometimes get a text at like 11 at night lol. Past her bedtime!

McFall I need my daily dose more daily!

Story of the Year - Just Close Your Eyes

J13

Hey Elena!

hello friends....

hey elena. remember  when your friends called the cops on me...and i had to go to the emergency room...yeah thats costing me and my family over a grand. you say that your worried about my health. well you and your friends are the fucking reason why i am like this. and i tell you about it and you dont respond... who do you think you are... you say your sorry. you dont have a heart. piss off.

j one three

bitch

My condition?

hello friends...

here i am. back in the student services building. a building i know all to well. why am i here... cuz of my mental condition... the state of my health...

no because someone decided to ruin my life. commit an act of pure selfishness. an act  that can truly kill someone on the inside...

why am i here...cuz some drunk idiots called the cops on me because they were worried about my mental condition. so after figuring out hospital bills here i am to talk about and relive the darkest times of my life...

whats my condition... im pissed as hell and truly hate some people... thats my condition...

im here  to see what condition my condition is in...

cinderella man...eminem

j one three

The passing of a leader, legend, and an overall incredible man...

Hello Friends,

Yesterday a truly tragic situation happened that hit me very hard. Bill Thompson Sr. from Marietta Ohio passed away due to pnmeunia (idk how the fuck to spell it!) Bill was honestly one of the kindest, most sincere men I have ever met. He always had a smile on his face and put everybody's problems in front of his own. He is someone I will never forget. I met Bill when I was in middle school when my family made a trip down to Virginia. Him and his wife Elsa were the kindest people I have ever met. He was a artist behind the piano and had the honor to play sax with him and his son. The big man upstairs is receiving a great man. He will truly be missed.

R.I.P Bill Thompson - Tuesday January 25th 2011


P.S. Well Elena I just wanted to fucking let you know that now I have to meet with a worker for the Dean of Students because the police reported my "health" to them. And if I don't meet with them they send my records to judicial affairs and I get charged for not replying. Thank you very much for everything you and your "friends" have done for me. Right after I had to figure out my medical bills, I have to deal with this fucking shit now. And you fucking wonder why I fucking hate your fucking friends!!!!!!

Great start to a fucking shitty fucking day

Avenged Sevenfold- Nightmare

J13

Watering Hole

Hello Friends...

Life is interesting...different. Isn't it? I would say so...

February 5th....Cocktail party....Shit show in St. Paul...pt deux....featuring MR. McFALL!!! Oh man I can't even begin to describe how pumped I am. Z and I are gonna get did up. Im talkin' suits. Clean cut. Downtown St. Paul? Oh god....so awesome.

Well I'm just laying here in bed and I guess I just felt like blogging. Hmmm

Eric Prydz- Call On Me

13J

Laced

hello friends...

so ofcourse again i had another dream about elena fucking another guy. yup thats right elena. i am still thinking about you. except now you fucked someone you know. sweet right...
is my mind/heart trying to tell me something elena...

wouldnt doubt it. honestly.

well good news. i put new laces on the moraleses. great news. ready to skate

j one three

Refreshed

Hello friends...

How are you? That's good! How am I? Well I'm glad you asked...

I guess I have had a couple thoughts that I would like to speak with you about? Is that ok? I hope that's ok. Is it not ok? No? Ok sorry...


Just fuckin' with ya! HAHAHAHA you just got punk'd!

First thought: Well obviously I have cut ties with Elena. For good. No speaking. No texting. No nothing. All ties cut. In my previous post I thought that I had taken steps back. I went back down the hill. That night I cried a little bit. It was hard. The next day? I was strong. I was level. I was calm, content, focused, and alive. I focused on my life and my work. Not what had happened the previous night. It felt great. It felt relaxing. It felt....refreshed. How does that make you feel Elena? Surprised? Curious? Hurt? How does it make you feel? To realize that I am doing better than what both of us probably thought? Interesting huh? Weird. But you know what is challenging? I always know that you can look at my blog. You can read what I am writing. You can read my thoughts. You can find out how I am doing. Me? Not the same. Idk how you are. Idk what you have been doing. Idk who you have been with. Idk who you have hooked up with. I just don't know. Nothing. At all. But I am strong enough to over come that. Elena, McFall and I were speaking at Element. I told him about the first weekend back from school. Everyone was at Element enjoying FAC. I unfortunately couldn't because I had to work that night. But I knew you were out. I knew you were drinking with guys and girls. And what could I do? Nothing. I had no control. All I could do that night was try and be happy with my friends. But I wasn't. It truly was one of the longest nights of my life. It was horrible. But yet here I am still alive. I am still alive. I beat you, your friends, your torture, and the hell that was caused from August to October. I am still here. Alive, breathing, and still 6 feet above ground. Unfortunately I have to get these bills figured out from the emergency room that you and your friends so conveniently put me in. 'Preciate that...

Second thought: Last night I had a dream. After 2 nyquils and a sleeping pill I STILL have dreams about you Elena. STILL!! You know how annoying that is? You know how annoying it is to still have your own body attacking you with thoughts and dreams about shit you don't wanna think about? This dream? This dream was about you and I arguing. We were arguing and you told me that you had slept with two of my classmates. I am gonna leave them nameless because its not important. But what was important was the way you attacked. You didn't care. You didn't give a damn. You did what you did and went with it. You fucked up. You were happy with what you did. HAHA ik its fucked up.

Third thought: Right now I want to call out two people. Mr. McFall and my Boo Boo Julianne. McFall, first of all I wanna thank you man. For keeping me grounded, level headed, and of course because you like to enjoy a cig after a drink as much as I do. But most importantly your reliable. You are a reliable friend who tells it like it is and is always there for support. You always have my back and for that I truly thank you buddy. Your the man. And then there is my Boo Boo. Julianne in all honesty talking to you over the phone has helped me immensely. Having that kind, whole hearted person that is willing to listen to my thoughts and ideas and give me a reaction and reason for those thoughts. Helps someone like me ALOT! Your kind, funny, and LOVE to have a good time! Ik you do! I can just ask Weems for proof! ;-) But for real. Your help is great Julianne. Thank you very much. Thank you both very much. From the bottom of my heart.

Fourth thought: It's great how many more friends I am hanging out with and keeping in touch with. Of course McFall and Neske but now Brittany Berg, Kim, Haley, Luis, and more of the HRI familia. Man it's always a great time with great people.


________________ ________________, but you can call me Charlie
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^Truly the love of my life^ but you don't know who it is :-)

Be Yourself - Audioslave

<J13>

Crumbled...

Hello Friends...

Time is truly a funny funny thing. I can turn on you quicker than heartbeat. One minute your on top of the world, the next, your in the sewage looking for scraps. Things have startled to crumble for me now. I have to regain back what I had and get my spirits up. Elena is gone. Gone forever. Her love? Friendship? Her? No more. Things with Oreo fell through. His life will never exist because of me. I am now many many steps backward and I have to pick myself up. I have to. I can not stay in the sewage, or I just won't make it. I just won't.

I wanna find that "one." The "one" that fits me. That loves the things I love. I can't wait her. Beautiful. Kind. Fun. God she is great. Unfortunately like momma said "She's not just gonna come knock on your apartment door..."

I was standing up at one point. I was. On my own feet. I didn't need anybody's help. I saw that light. Left the darkness behind me. I kept walking away from it. I kept walking just to realize it was darkness ahead of me. Not light...


Oasis-Champagne Supernova

J13

Dentrimental

Hello friends...

How are you? I hope things are going well...

I have a story. One memory I will remember about this years christmas break was my mom and I talking about the dreamgirl. We were just talking about how I am feeling and what I thought about it and what is new. And she asked a question. "Does she realize how detrimental this to me?" My first thought was....yeah. Yeah she very much does. She really does. She does have a heart. A soul. Yes. But then i did some thinking. Yes she does realize how detrimental this was to me. But.....her friends? Nope.

Thursday evening I was enjoying a wonderful time with Mr. McFall and B Berg and Kim. It truly was a very good time. Then I saw one of the Dreamgirl's friends. One who I don't like very much (if at all.) And that just angered me to the max. I truly could not control myself. I really couldn't. Eventually the Dreamgirl and I started texting until one of her friends got a hold of her phone. I am some incredible deep, dark, demonic things. Because that is how badly I hate her people. Her friends. I want them to suffer for their entire life for making me feel the way I feel.

Now this next part is a confession and something I need to just get out...

Those girls who had Elena's phone called the cops on me. Cops showed up at my apt. and searched for weapons and drugs. They handcuffed me and put me in the back of their police car and took me to the ER. From there I was placed in a room where I had to talk to doctors, therapists and cops, have blood work taken. Take a blood test. Take a drug test. And explain my deep dark feelings towards people. Not fun. And those girls better hope I never see them again.

Terrible post. Not happy with it very much but oh well.

NyQuil and Clonezepam works fine.

"I'm a ticking time bomb. Waiting to blow my top. No one will ever know. Not until I blew up..."

J13

New Years Resolution Revolution Realized

Hello Friends...

How are we? Excellent. My I have so much on my mind and no way of putting it into words.

I am going to start with this. Ready? Ok. So remember how I asked what I should do for my new years revolution? Yeah? Cool. Good to see that were on the same page. Ok well I believe I have come up with a resolution. But not just one resolution. Multiple resolutions. Once again, Zach McFall has given me words of wisdom .He said my resolution needs to involve. Me. Jake. He said that no one else matters. Do things for myself. So you might be asking yourself "Gee golly gosh Jake, what is your resolution!?" Well ladies and gents. Its going to be............

Ready?

Sure?

My resolution is to do things for myself. I have had a couple people tell me, "Jake, you should quit smoking!" Well sorry folks. That may not happen. I love a good cig. I love the experience. I love sitting and thinking. Thinking about life, love, and laughter. People may be thinking "Jake, you shouldn't drink so much!" Why? Because I am on anti-deps? Hmmmm well sorry again folks. Just not gonna happen. I am in COLLEGE! That's what we do. I drink for fun. I drink alot....for fun. I drink to get my mind away from certain things. Panic and anxiety attacks. My conscience. My demon inside me. Wanna know a secret? 2 Nyquils and a sleeping pill, incredible feeling. So much relaxation. Your heart is just simply beating a quiet, calm, peaceful beat. "Gee Jake that doesn't sound good..." Well sorry folks..."Jake you should stop texting/talking to the Dreamgirl." Why? It's not bringing me down. It is not hurting me. I want to talk to her. So why can't I? Why? You can't tell me I can't. You just can't. If I wanna talk to her, I'm going to. If this turns out to hurt me, then I will take full responsibility. I don't need your help. I have doctors and pills for that. But right now, I don't think she is going to hurt me. I am going to talk to her.......for myself. "Jake I don't know if you should get a cat!" Why? I want to take on the task for being responsible for my own pet. I want to challenge myself but I also want to try and give this cat the best life I can. "Well Jake what if you get an internship somewhere far? What if you can't afford him?" Well my one and only objective is to try and give this cat the BEST life I can. If I can't? Then I have to give him away. But you better fucking believe, I am going to try EVERYTHING in my own fucking power to give this cat the best life I can give it.

Ladies and gentlemen tonight I had a moment where my jaw literally dropped. You may or may not know that I have been watching a new show. Dexter. Very deep, dark, yet humorous show. If you have not watched it, I suggest giving it a shot. If your bored just give it a shot. (Even better when you watch it after popping 2 nyquils and a sleeping pill...) But I am not going to go deep into the plot of the entire show but I just finished season 2 on Netflix and just had to find out what happened in seasons 3 4 and 5. Especially season 4 because I have heard that it was one of the greatest season finales in TV history. So I decided to go to Wikipedia and read the plots for the seasons. As I read season 4's plot, I literally sat in awwww. I couldn't believe the ending. So what did I do? I went to YouTube and watched it. And I can honestly say, I have teared up for very few things on TV but after following this show, this scene truly hit me. It truly got to me. Truly amazing how much that ending messed with me. Something I will never forget. Truly one of the greatest endings to a season in TV history. Easily one of the best I have ever seen...

Tonight I can't stop listening to the song Forever by Chris Brown. The beat? Sick. Vocals? Moving. Why am I telling you this? Idk cuz I feel like it? Dreamgirl you remind me of this song? Ringtone? Yeah at one point, but its about dancing. Your passion? Dancing. Definitely respectable. You know what I am picturing? A club. Lights flashing, shits glowing. And there we are. Dancing. Having fun. Loving and living life. Another dream? Yup. Gonna happen? Nope prolly not.

List:
1. See a dance to The Wind by Cat Stevens
2. Dance alone to Forever
3. ???

Reality? No. Dream? Yes



Oreo I hope your ready buddy. Daddy is comin to get you real soon!

McFall, your the man.

Once again in the words of the Man

Daily Dose- with a side of Oreo

Forever
J13